The next step

I cannot control
the things you 
wished to see
nor can I
make amends 
for everything
I have not done
there are no words
that will make
any of this easy
so I am not
going to indulge
and just
exit
stage left.

Weeks

Days meld together
in a blur I recall
that yesterday has passed
and tomorrow is knocking
on the door already
where work will dull
the tedium of loneliness
and hopefully will give
me the energy I require
to face yet another week.

Gone

I remember
all the little things
that we shared
all the joy
all the pain
it all tastes so bittersweet

but now
I have to confront
the dull loneliness
of us apart
in the dark
in utter defeat.

Visions

Shallow breathing
when I think
about being free
of this lingering doubt

cold sweat
all over my skin
and tears welling up
unable to see

that beyond this
is a life
that might be
worth living.

Mourn

Every time
I look around
and see
myself
being alone
I mourn
losing you.

Shivers

Cold shivers
when I hear
the ghost of you
crawling near

droplets of pain
rolling down
deep waters
in which they drown

I miss your touch
the smile on your face
it is those memories
I just cannot erase.

Otherside

I still look into the abyss
and feel the cold embrace
in the dark night
every time I lay alone

I still think of smiling
in the memory of love
that soft voice
in my fondest dreams

the day always comes too soon
not leaving me enough time
to give me the quiet
I wish to feel in my heart

toils make time pass quicker
and so my reluctant eyes
look once again 
into the circling lonely abyss.

Return to sender

I still hear
the door slamming
behind you
as you left
the curses unspoken
the bitterness
in your eyes
fighting back tears
the pain that
lingered long after
we both knew
what we really meant
to each other
leaving me 
to hope that 
one day
you will find 
your way back.

 

On Random Tangents

Sometimes I go back and read back what I wrote, relive the pain and joy of the moment, remembering what I looked like, what I felt and where my thoughts lead me, trying out new avenues and twists to make a more complete picture of the whole self help journey so far. For that is mainly what this is, to many degrees. I want to be the me I can be and can enjoy being, not this empty shell of failed opportunities and lost potential.  I also see my mistakes, or the rather frustratingly oddball things I wrote and I cringe, I flail at myself and remind myself that at the time it seemed like a good idea. I have to try and let go of “improving” what I wrote.

But what am I trying to accomplish, what are my goals, where is this journey taking me and do I like what I find while traversing the path I have decided on taking? Well, quite frankly this whole thing is “new” for me and it is scary as hell, I do not know what to expect, even how to take the next step after the one I have just taken and still I am plodding along, still I go onwards. This in itself is a victory, something I should be able to feel good about, but then there is that nagging voice in my mind that tells me how things have been less than optimal, how I can improve, be better, raising the expectations beyond achievable limits. That is when the doubt sets in, but sometimes I relish in the challenge that I give myself, I tend to be extremely stubborn and go against the flow, when someone says I cannot do something, I try to prove them wrong.  I am trying this tactic on myself now and sometimes it works.

I have also submitted something to another blog, not sure if it is what they are looking for, but it does mean a lot to me, something I have not shared before, something I have not really addressed, something that fuels a lot of my insecurities, not just something that has been steadily growing over the years, but something that really formed a catalyst for my current state. It is something that I never truly addressed even in therapy, but I think I can say this has to do with domestic abuse and neglect, something that eroded the last vestiges of sanity and threw me off into the deep end. Now I am not saying that I am blaming anyone, but myself, for this. I let this happen in my mind, so I should be accountable, or should I? I guess that will have to be reserved for another post though, be it a guest entry or on here.

We all deserve life that was given and we all have the right to try and improve it and shape it into what we would like it to become. I do not believe in dividing people up into little boxes, labelling them and sorting them on importance to me or my ideals. I have lied in the past, I am ashamed of this, the lies I wove into my life got big, huge even, they have taken over most of my ability to function in maintaining them. So I guess in a way I deserve to be lied to as well. I deserve to live with the masks of others as I showed only mine for so long. Maybe that is why I have so little true contact with people from my past, or maybe I failed to see past my mask, lied too often, or made just too many mistakes and just upped and left anyway. I do not know for certain. Maybe I am getting exactly what I deserve, maybe I should repent more and mend broken trusts and bonds. I know that this would be an impossible task, I know that me going in circles about this is not going to solve anything. Maybe I am not sure exactly where I am going with this, or maybe my perfectionism is working overtime again.

Perhaps try to stick to poetry for a while while you figure out what it is you exactly want, you idiot, though you fail at those too, so who knows what is best… I sure as hell don’t at this point. You are just a mess, fix it, because you are not taking my advice.

My mind is so much fun sometimes…

Stillness

And there was silence
when once there was none
when battles raged
and dreams were torn apart

long have I waited
for a second
of this stillness
but now, I cannot let go

holding on to this
as a point of reference
but reluctant
to make a new start.