Do you see the lines drawn in the sand drawn in the history that is fading quickly do you feel the wind changing the direction it is blowing in hoping for a better tide do you understand the intricate motions of everything we touched now struggling to live I think I was deceived by my own desires blinded by the idea you instilled in me the lines you drew are still visible clear as day and are brought up always there are no grey areas just a dark shadow when it comes to anything relating to me.
I have decided that I am going to make a distinction between the past traumas that still influence me to this day and my daily life and struggles. They are connected, but I should make a clear divide between the two. I am a result of my past, but that is not who I am now, it is who I was and made me into who I am now. That is different I think. It feels different at the very least.
Does this mean I am going to remove anything from here? Well no, this page will stay as is and will be filled with the aches of old, like the abuse, the neglect, the solitude after going through certain important forming parts of my life. It will, however, not receive the day to day troubles, the more recent struggles and trials I put myself through. Or the curveballs life throws at me at the very least.
So what will I put on here from now on?
I will be adding more stories of my past, more thoughts and reflections on events, with which, hopefully, I will be able to connect a few dots I have yet to place and define. I will be adding my aches and joy in any way I have worded them before, be it through poems or event descriptions. Thought experiments and recaps.
All this will mean this page is likely to be a lot ‘slower’ than my newer blog, at least that is the idea, where I will be using it almost like a diary or a journal; a repository of my day to day thoughts, trying to keep them in some sort of cohesive whole. I kinda feel like I am rambling now, but I hope I can keep on writing, hopefully this can aid me in my renewed therapy as well.
The new page is located here: Stitched in Time
I do not want to be your burden to be a source of continued pain to make you feel ignored and forgotten to cause distress and tear up your eyes I do not have the strength nor the will to put you through this over and over again only to end up hurting us both more and more.
I wait for the leaves to turn into a perfect hue of autumn warm and comforting where nature prepares for the cold dark of winter but lets out a final show of utter beauty and serenity the season of goodbye and a fond fare thee well a soft, warm cuddle before the light fades.
I wish I could tell you the things I have always wanted to explain To give you a glimpse in the darkness that I hold so close Contemplating I remain still unsure and vulnerable Should I take yet another leap into the open Or should I explore these new waters this new path just a bit more alone?
My body moves on a flow that I have not felt oft on a high that I can taste can quantify and have been privvy to feel the way I wished to feel and while I am still searching I am looking forward with a smile etched in my soul.
I am not sure how to start talking about the last week. Work has been boring, tedious and mainly just bleh, for a lack of a better description, but I am kinda enjoying me being a bit cheeky with colleagues, being a bit more like the person I want to be without even having to put up a mask of being ‘okay’ and this in itself is a first. I am still riddled with doubts and insecurity, but despite that I can show me being slightly annoying, but loyal and generally engaging in conversations. I have stories to tell, I listen and comment, I am stepping a bit closer to the person I want to be for me and for everyone around me. There are those I somehow am reluctant to engage due to various issues from my past with them, from my thoughts concerning them and expectations I cannot ever seem to reach. I am sorry for this, but I have been bouncing in my chair, feeling somewhat happy with me and the feeling seems to stick so far. Good things keep on piling on, going to meet a friend on Sunday, a dear one at that and prior to that I will be joining my brother at a one day festival loving the 90’s. My ‘sister’ is gonna be there too with her partner, I have not seen them in like 15 years and I am excited beyond measure.
But yes, I have started feeling good, I have started being just happy, being more active in conversations, being closer to the person I have always wanted to be. Spontaneous and cheeky. I am also looking forward to my holiday at the end of next month. 2 weeks of Greece, I am SO looking forward to it. Also meeting with the very best friend I ever had… well he knows, he should know. We were inseparable since we first met and even after he moved… every time we meet, it is like we continue where we left off, it always is good. Just to have someone like that in my life is an amazingly indescribable feeling. I wish I could say I had that with one more person and to a degree that is the case, but shadows of our past do cloud that more than we would both like to admit. I consider myself rich nonetheless, because I have at least one of those people in my life… Gives me reason to like the person that I am and have some pride in the steps in the right direction I have made.
I matter, I do things to help people without wanting anything in return and now I start to feel as if my contributions matter, like I am worth fighting for. I can be me and that gives me so much positive energy. I cannot really put my finger on it, it seems like something just clicked. I was told that I go from one extreme to the other and that cannot be healthy, but I am not sure that this is part of a mania that goes with my depression, as that is still there nagging at the back of my mind at all the mistakes I make, but rather than giving in to that, I am just happy to be me… and I feel a smile growing just typing this.
I really do fear though that this high will end and it will hold me back in later days to keep fighting on as this was just a phase, just an illusion I wanted to believe in more than I’d like to admit. That fear is still overpowered though, but it is something that I keep in mind. I am also looking at all the things I can do to avoid feeling the bursting of this bubble, if it indeed is one. At this time, I just feel lucky, to be here, to be me, to be able to look forward and share my joy with the ones I hold dear.
Happy weekend everyone.
I have been at a low, one I dare not describe. I have been at a crossroad, with several bad roads, none of them particularly appealing, but I think in silencing myself I did not only myself a disservice, but also everyone that has some sort of an interest in me, those who follow me, want me to be and feel better than I wish for myself. I apologise for this, but somehow this too feels hollow. I do not feel I can make up for this absence, other than give my openness a whole new twist and just soldiering on with my feelings, my bleeding heart onto the virtual canvas that is this blog. Maybe one day I dare put my name to it and to be frank, I have been really very close to doing so the last few days. But the time is not yet there… I do, however, feel that I am going to… sooner rather than later and this too is quite a huge step.
I feel like I am walking a like between salvation and destruction, but at this point my ‘high’ lets me believe the positive is the only possible outcome, while in a matter of hours the other side of me might convince me of the opposite. I hate the fact I am torn between those two very contrasting voices inside of me and that I exclude the people I should exclude least. I am sorry for being a shit friend, a shit partner to converse with, a shit human being and wallowing in self-pity . I am sorry, but no more am I going to try and hide myself behind a veil.
Today I showed my lifelong (and childhood) friend my blog, I am going to meet him again tomorrow for coffee/beer/whatever and hopefully continue where we left off a few years ago when I just got back from the UK. Somehow it always feels as if easing in a warm bath… always good, always comfortable, but knowing that someone I trust so much only can scratch at the surface of what I have been through and have been hiding for so long… it no longer felt like a good thing, it was more a burden… and I did no longer want to show him a mask of someone I am not, nor was at any point. I think I am close to do that for a lot more people, I feel I am ready to really open up and I feel stronger because of this. I am worth more than I have given myself credit for for all this time.
Next week I am going to see my brother at a festival/party and friends I have not seen since my college days, afterwards I’ll take a detour to meet up with a friend who needs a hug bad and I am more than happy to give her as many as she needs and then, hopefully a month of work and then… vacation for two whole weeks. Just relaxing in the Greek sun, trying to unwind, maybe rediscover more of who I would like to be. For now… I am positive, feeling good and wanting to progress. Willing to share me, the real me without a mask and just enjoy life, for as long as I may have it.
Thank you for being here, reading, commenting, trying to keep me up, not giving up even when I clearly have multiple times. I am humbled and hope to keep reading your stories while I keep on writing mine.
I do not claim to state that my life is perfect, nor do I feel like the effort some people have made or make my life better has been ignored or forgotten. I still hold you dear more than I can express. But today I feel… good, happy… and I relish in the thought.
Today I feel good a surprising feeling not oft felt not often do I feel as if I matter that people should care but today I am still here still fighting in ways that are less than optimal less than perfect but in my own little way I feel like I matter and I deserve something better than what I have been dealt with so far.
Do you see the black that hides behind my eyes trying to overwhelm at every opportunity wanting to not act upon them I drown them in any way I possibly can now you think I am deceiving myself into believing I am doing something right when I am not but do you really know how often the blade slices inside my mind how often I suffocate and strangle myself in hatred breathing all the mistakes down my throat the nights I cry myself into a ball of hopelessness I ask not for anyone's pity or judgement all I want is to accept the person that stares back when I look in the mirror and not see a shimmering shadow of the person I could have been.