Autumn

Autumn
I wait for the leaves
to turn into a perfect
hue of autumn 
warm and comforting

where nature prepares 
for the cold dark of winter
but lets out a final show
of utter beauty and serenity

the season of goodbye
and a fond fare thee well
a soft, warm cuddle
before the light fades.
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Steps

Steps
I wish I could
tell you the things
I have always wanted
to explain

To give you a glimpse
in the darkness
that I hold 
so close

Contemplating I remain
still unsure
and vulnerable

Should I take
yet another leap
into the open

Or should I explore
these new waters
this new path
just a bit more alone?

Rhythm

Rhythm
My body moves
on a flow that
I have not felt oft
on a high that
I can taste
can quantify
and have been privvy
to feel the way
I wished to feel
and while I am
still searching
I am looking
forward with
a smile
etched in my soul.

A new leaf?

A new leaf?

I am not sure how to start talking about the last week. Work has been boring, tedious and mainly just bleh, for a lack of a better description, but I am kinda enjoying me being a bit cheeky with colleagues, being a bit more like the person I want to be without even having to put up a mask of being ‘okay’ and this in itself is a first. I am still riddled with doubts and insecurity, but despite that I can show me being slightly annoying, but loyal and generally engaging in conversations. I have stories to tell, I listen and comment, I am stepping a bit closer to the person I want to be for me and for everyone around me. There are those I somehow am reluctant to engage due to various issues from my past with them, from my thoughts concerning them and expectations I cannot ever seem to reach. I am sorry for this, but I have been bouncing in my chair, feeling somewhat happy with me and the feeling seems to stick so far. Good things keep on piling on, going to meet a friend on Sunday, a dear one at that and prior to that I will be joining my brother at a one day festival loving the 90’s. My ‘sister’ is gonna be there too with her partner, I have not seen them in like 15 years and I am excited beyond measure.

But yes, I have started feeling good, I have started being just happy, being more active in conversations, being closer to the person I have always wanted to be. Spontaneous and cheeky. I am also looking forward to my holiday at the end of next month. 2 weeks of Greece, I am SO looking forward to it. Also meeting with the very best friend I ever had… well he knows, he should know. We were inseparable since we first met and even after he moved… every time we meet, it is like we continue where we left off, it always is good. Just to have someone like that in my life is an amazingly indescribable feeling. I wish I could say I had that with one more person and to a degree that is the case, but shadows of our past do cloud that more than we would both like to admit. I consider myself rich nonetheless, because I have at least one of those people in my life… Gives me reason to like the person that I am and have some pride in the steps in the right direction I have made.

I matter, I do things to help people without wanting anything in return and now I start to feel as if my contributions matter, like I am worth fighting for. I can be me and that gives me so much positive energy. I cannot really put my finger on it, it seems like something just clicked. I was told that I go from one extreme to the other and that cannot be healthy, but I am not sure that this is part of a mania that goes with my depression, as that is still there nagging at the back of my mind at all the mistakes I make, but rather than giving in to that, I am just happy to be me… and I feel a smile growing just typing this.

I really do fear though that this high will end and it will hold me back in later days to keep fighting on as this was just a phase, just an illusion I wanted to believe in more than I’d like to admit. That fear is still overpowered though, but it is something that I keep in mind. I am also looking at all the things I can do to avoid feeling the bursting of this bubble, if it indeed is one. At this time, I just feel lucky, to be here, to be me, to be able to look forward and share my joy with the ones I hold dear.

Happy weekend everyone.

Resurfacing

Resurfacing

I have been at a low, one I dare not describe. I have been at a crossroad, with several bad roads, none of them particularly appealing, but I think in silencing myself I did not only myself a disservice, but also everyone that has some sort of an interest in me, those who follow me, want me to be and feel better than I wish for myself. I apologise for this, but somehow this too feels hollow. I do not feel I can make up for this absence, other than give my openness a whole new twist and just soldiering on with my feelings, my bleeding heart onto the virtual canvas that is this blog. Maybe one day I dare put my name to it and to be frank, I have been really very close to doing so the last few days. But the time is not yet there… I do, however, feel that I am going to… sooner rather than later and this too is quite a huge step.

I feel like I am walking a like between salvation and destruction, but at this point my ‘high’ lets me believe the positive is the only possible outcome, while in a matter of hours the other side of me might convince me of the opposite. I hate the fact I am torn between those two very contrasting voices inside of me and that I exclude the people I should exclude least. I am sorry for being a shit friend, a shit partner to converse with, a shit human being and wallowing in self-pity . I am sorry, but no more am I going to try and hide myself behind a veil.

Today I showed my lifelong (and childhood) friend my blog, I am going to meet him again tomorrow for coffee/beer/whatever and hopefully continue where we left off a few years ago when I just got back from the UK. Somehow it always feels as if easing in a warm bath… always good, always comfortable, but knowing that someone I trust so much only can scratch at the surface of what I have been through and have been hiding for so long… it no longer felt like a good thing, it was more a burden… and I did no longer want to show him a mask of someone I am not, nor was at any point. I think I am close to do that for a lot more people, I feel I am ready to really open up and I feel stronger because of this. I am worth more than I have given myself credit for for all this time.

Next week I am going to see my brother at a festival/party and friends I have not seen since my college days, afterwards I’ll take a detour to meet up with a friend who needs a hug bad and I am more than happy to give her as many as she needs and then, hopefully a month of work and then… vacation for two whole weeks. Just relaxing in the Greek sun, trying to unwind, maybe rediscover more of who I would like to be. For now… I am positive, feeling good and wanting to progress. Willing to share me, the real me without a mask and just enjoy life, for as long as I may have it.

 

Thank you for being here, reading, commenting, trying to keep me up, not giving up even when I clearly have multiple times. I am humbled and hope to keep reading your stories while I keep on writing mine.

Today

Today

I do not claim to state that my life is perfect, nor do I feel like the effort some people have made or make my life better has been ignored or forgotten. I still hold you dear more than I can express. But today I feel… good, happy… and I relish in the thought.

Today I feel
good
a surprising feeling
not oft felt
not often
do I feel as if
I matter
that people should care
but today
I am still here
still fighting
in ways that are less
than optimal
less than perfect
but in my own little way
I feel
like I matter
and I deserve 
something better than
what I have been dealt with 
so far.

Glimpses

Glimpses
Do you see
the black
that hides
behind my eyes
trying to
overwhelm
at every 
opportunity
wanting to not
act upon them
I drown them
in any way 
I possibly can
now you think
I am deceiving
myself
into believing
I am doing
something right
when I am not
but do you
really know
how often
the blade slices
inside my mind
how often
I suffocate
and strangle
myself in hatred
breathing all
the mistakes
down my throat
the nights
I cry myself
into a ball
of hopelessness
I ask not 
for anyone's pity
or judgement
all I want
is to accept
the person
that stares back
when I look
in the mirror
and not see
a shimmering
shadow 
of the person
I could have been.