And so my body pulls on the handbrake, the emergency stop, I over exert myself, work too long and too hard, try to fix problems that are not mine to deal with and am generally just met with a scornful look from one of the operators, who should be overseeing the work, whose job I am actually doing from time to time. This morning already I felt rubbish and during the day that did not improve even in the slightest. I climbed up the towers again which we are working on, which are about 50 metres in height and I felt dizzy and disoriented, not my finest moment up there, but not my worst either, that happened yesterday. But the emergency stop has been activated and I now have a 39.4 degree fever and am getting ready to go to bed. Just a few thoughts that I’d like to share first though.

I am not the enemy
that lives inside 
of you or me

I am not the one
who is messing up
the best of plans

I am not the target
of your anger
and frustration

But I am, however
the one feeling
the brunt of it

And I am not capable
of standing up
and tell you why.

New ways

New ways
Trying to put
into words
the feelings
I do not even
know to be there

slowly being consumed
by the gripping fear
of all that I lost
all that I never
will have or obtain

I see myself
crawling again
along the road
that only leads
to more pain

so I throw my all
my old defences at it
the tried and tested
always failing methods
in an act of desperation

I know not
what is left
or where to go
all I know
is I am looking for another way out.

Not perfect

Not perfect
Stumbling I walk
on my own two feet
stand straight when
I look around
I can smile
for no apparent reason
I can hold my fears
before they take over
I mess up
more often than I like 
but I feel
like I am growing
into someone
even I can like.



Old poetry has a way of getting back to me, so here is another oldie of mine. It still resonates deeply. I hope you will like it.


The sudden silence, 
when cries tear you apart. 
The tearless agony 
is consuming your heart. 

Grave moods, 
leaving the spot. 
Cold swearing, 
how can you not? 

Tears fall down 
in the pouring rain. 
Memories of a friend, 
consuming your pain. 

Goodbye my friend; 
all will be well. 
Leave me be now, 
to my own living hell.