I am not sure how to start talking about the last week. Work has been boring, tedious and mainly just bleh, for a lack of a better description, but I am kinda enjoying me being a bit cheeky with colleagues, being a bit more like the person I want to be without even having to put up a mask of being ‘okay’ and this in itself is a first. I am still riddled with doubts and insecurity, but despite that I can show me being slightly annoying, but loyal and generally engaging in conversations. I have stories to tell, I listen and comment, I am stepping a bit closer to the person I want to be for me and for everyone around me. There are those I somehow am reluctant to engage due to various issues from my past with them, from my thoughts concerning them and expectations I cannot ever seem to reach. I am sorry for this, but I have been bouncing in my chair, feeling somewhat happy with me and the feeling seems to stick so far. Good things keep on piling on, going to meet a friend on Sunday, a dear one at that and prior to that I will be joining my brother at a one day festival loving the 90’s. My ‘sister’ is gonna be there too with her partner, I have not seen them in like 15 years and I am excited beyond measure.
But yes, I have started feeling good, I have started being just happy, being more active in conversations, being closer to the person I have always wanted to be. Spontaneous and cheeky. I am also looking forward to my holiday at the end of next month. 2 weeks of Greece, I am SO looking forward to it. Also meeting with the very best friend I ever had… well he knows, he should know. We were inseparable since we first met and even after he moved… every time we meet, it is like we continue where we left off, it always is good. Just to have someone like that in my life is an amazingly indescribable feeling. I wish I could say I had that with one more person and to a degree that is the case, but shadows of our past do cloud that more than we would both like to admit. I consider myself rich nonetheless, because I have at least one of those people in my life… Gives me reason to like the person that I am and have some pride in the steps in the right direction I have made.
I matter, I do things to help people without wanting anything in return and now I start to feel as if my contributions matter, like I am worth fighting for. I can be me and that gives me so much positive energy. I cannot really put my finger on it, it seems like something just clicked. I was told that I go from one extreme to the other and that cannot be healthy, but I am not sure that this is part of a mania that goes with my depression, as that is still there nagging at the back of my mind at all the mistakes I make, but rather than giving in to that, I am just happy to be me… and I feel a smile growing just typing this.
I really do fear though that this high will end and it will hold me back in later days to keep fighting on as this was just a phase, just an illusion I wanted to believe in more than I’d like to admit. That fear is still overpowered though, but it is something that I keep in mind. I am also looking at all the things I can do to avoid feeling the bursting of this bubble, if it indeed is one. At this time, I just feel lucky, to be here, to be me, to be able to look forward and share my joy with the ones I hold dear.
Happy weekend everyone.