Today I have had an appointment to see what kind of help I could benefit the most with, now I have been very anxious about this for a long time, but I addressed it with my last doctors appointment where I just indicated that my emotions were flaring up at bad times, where my mood was spiralling downwards and old habits resurfaced.  This time I was the one who said ‘This is not right, I have to do something before it is too late’. Now usually I’d forego that as I deem myself of far lesser importance than anyone else and me admitting that I am in need of help was something that just never really should rear up again, however, I now have made that first step, again. I feel like I should feel good about this, but I clearly do not… Why is not really known to me at this time, but I am also not sure if it is important for me to find out exactly. Maybe I just need help now, dealing with the past, building towards a future and not be weighed down by the burdens I decided to carry with me.

Does this mean that I have to go back to group therapy sessions, or does it mean that I am going to be medicated… Frankly, both seem scary, both seem hard to combine with my work schedule, both seem hard to sell to my family. I am seeing trouble at every turn, I feel I sabotage any attempt before I even started with making them. The complexity of the issues I deal with are perhaps not very difficult to comprehend, but I am not very open about my feelings, always pushing them down, always avoiding them, that save for one emotion I just cannot ever stop. That one, however, is not one I am struggling with at this time. It is not what holds me back, it is not that which makes me insecure.

Why is it so hard to see my own issues and problems with clarity, where solutions or insights are something I can give myself. Not second guessing everything, not diminishing the good I have done and inflate the bad. Why do I see only the negative when I reflect on my life? Why do I only find the good in others? Why does my mind go to very dark places, why do I only sometimes dare to get out of the shell I reside in and make a joke, where does my confidence come from when I am in a new group of people. Why do I have a strong voice and lead in those situations, but when it comes to me, not a group, I tend to cave… I tend to fall apart. I do not mediate between my positive thoughts and the negative, I do not lead by example, or maybe that is exactly what I am doing and generally just think of my own well-being as of lesser importance, as I just seem to not be able to get through a day without the negativity.

I am so tired of spinning this old worn out record again and again, going through the same motions, being not half whom I could or should be. And certainly not a person I want to be. Missed opportunities and fumbled chances always on loop in my mind, my inner demons regurgitate the same dulling hymns of them, resonating in every part of my being. I feel like a failure, I feel I am full of wasted potential. I did not waste it, nature wasted it on me and I am unable to even put it to some good use.

I guess I am trying to open that can of worms, take the leap and see where this door leads me. Either way I am going somewhere and not staying at this spot, so there is progress I guess.

On Random Tangents

On Random Tangents

Sometimes I go back and read back what I wrote, relive the pain and joy of the moment, remembering what I looked like, what I felt and where my thoughts lead me, trying out new avenues and twists to make a more complete picture of the whole self help journey so far. For that is mainly what this is, to many degrees. I want to be the me I can be and can enjoy being, not this empty shell of failed opportunities and lost potential.  I also see my mistakes, or the rather frustratingly oddball things I wrote and I cringe, I flail at myself and remind myself that at the time it seemed like a good idea. I have to try and let go of “improving” what I wrote.

But what am I trying to accomplish, what are my goals, where is this journey taking me and do I like what I find while traversing the path I have decided on taking? Well, quite frankly this whole thing is “new” for me and it is scary as hell, I do not know what to expect, even how to take the next step after the one I have just taken and still I am plodding along, still I go onwards. This in itself is a victory, something I should be able to feel good about, but then there is that nagging voice in my mind that tells me how things have been less than optimal, how I can improve, be better, raising the expectations beyond achievable limits. That is when the doubt sets in, but sometimes I relish in the challenge that I give myself, I tend to be extremely stubborn and go against the flow, when someone says I cannot do something, I try to prove them wrong.  I am trying this tactic on myself now and sometimes it works.

I have also submitted something to another blog, not sure if it is what they are looking for, but it does mean a lot to me, something I have not shared before, something I have not really addressed, something that fuels a lot of my insecurities, not just something that has been steadily growing over the years, but something that really formed a catalyst for my current state. It is something that I never truly addressed even in therapy, but I think I can say this has to do with domestic abuse and neglect, something that eroded the last vestiges of sanity and threw me off into the deep end. Now I am not saying that I am blaming anyone, but myself, for this. I let this happen in my mind, so I should be accountable, or should I? I guess that will have to be reserved for another post though, be it a guest entry or on here.

We all deserve life that was given and we all have the right to try and improve it and shape it into what we would like it to become. I do not believe in dividing people up into little boxes, labelling them and sorting them on importance to me or my ideals. I have lied in the past, I am ashamed of this, the lies I wove into my life got big, huge even, they have taken over most of my ability to function in maintaining them. So I guess in a way I deserve to be lied to as well. I deserve to live with the masks of others as I showed only mine for so long. Maybe that is why I have so little true contact with people from my past, or maybe I failed to see past my mask, lied too often, or made just too many mistakes and just upped and left anyway. I do not know for certain. Maybe I am getting exactly what I deserve, maybe I should repent more and mend broken trusts and bonds. I know that this would be an impossible task, I know that me going in circles about this is not going to solve anything. Maybe I am not sure exactly where I am going with this, or maybe my perfectionism is working overtime again.

Perhaps try to stick to poetry for a while while you figure out what it is you exactly want, you idiot, though you fail at those too, so who knows what is best… I sure as hell don’t at this point. You are just a mess, fix it, because you are not taking my advice.

My mind is so much fun sometimes…

Today I Realised…

Today I Realised…

I am at times still a mess, I am at times doing better, I am at times doubting my every breath and cursing every thought that pops into my head. That said, I am moving onward, slowly but surely I am beginning to see cracks in the dark, I am beginning to experience personal space inside of my heart and mind, where I am allowed to be me, if only for a very short period of time. In these moments I am not overly critical of who I am, or whom I should have been all along. I am me and that is not something to continuously be ashamed of. I matter, I can be valuable, even if I am not perfect or infallible. This already is in stark contrast to how I viewed myself about a year ago, or even prior to that. Where I was not allowed to even have the slightest hints of a fault to my name, or I would lash out and scold myself internally for every time and every thing I have done wrong and would continue to do wrong. It is actually painful to think back to those thoughts, those feelings, emerging out of the shadow I cast over myself. I am not there yet, I know this and that, for now, is fine. All I know is that I am growing, not quick enough (obviously), but there is progress.

I am trying to keep people that I care about in the loop, yet I cannot bring myself to share this with my parents, I really do fear they might be extremely upset by some of the things I wrote here, I still fear the potential lash back of my brother reading this, the darkness that no doubt has shaken him as well. I feel ashamed, I feel as if I betrayed him by not sharing before and this only grows stronger when I think about my parents. Have I not hurt them enough, do I really need to add to their already staggering list of woes? Granted there never is, was or will be a perfect time to divulge all of this to those you claim to hold closest to you, the time just is not now I feel. I am not ready to take it that one step further. I also do not believe I should make it too public in either case, mainly due to some people possibly not understanding or not wanting to be ‘exposed’.

My life still has many secrets, most of which I have been sworn to keep to myself, never to share. I actually have displayed loyalty to people who have used me, stabbed me in the back and discarded me like old furniture. My own pride and morals just prevent me from going back on my word. But that in a way is a victory that only I can feel, that only I can treasure, so I keep holding on to that.

There have been many occasions where I have thought about giving up, where I have been at the brink, where I saw no other way out, but even in those dark days, I survived and just being here still has made me stronger than I possibly could have imagined with a syringe in my hands, crying in the shower, cursing my very existence. I feel more emotional as of late, where I tend to just break down, not because I cannot take it, but because I allow myself to cry, I cry not just because of my pain, but also for the injustice in the world. I know I cannot solve everything by just piling all those problems and pain onto my heap and struggle onwards, as if I were the only one to shoulder it and that that would be the way things should be. This pressure is the kind that took me to look for destructive outlets, other ways out, doubting myself if things went remotely well, as if I did not deserve it.

I still can bring smiles to peoples faces, I can still make them feel as if they matter, that I think they are worth something and that that something is pretty special. I want people to cherish who they are, I want to give them a perspective they have not found for themselves, but mainly I want them to see who I see when I read, when I look, when I hear… that person is amazing and most certainly deserves all the adoration they can get. Now if I were to try and say that in the mirror… well quite frankly, the idea alone frightens me, then those words lose all power to me, then it is but letters aligned in a manner that looks appealing, but does not get through the layers of cynical self reflection. I am not done deconstructing that part of myself, at least not in a way that is healthy or constructive at this time. My journey is far from over, I have a ways to go, but I do honestly feel that I am on a track that will lead me to where I would want to be in the future.

Ghost of Girlfriends past

Ghost of Girlfriends past

This Easter weekend I have time, to myself, to write, to reflect, to fix some smaller issues and to reconnect with people. I can just try and figure out what I want with myself this year, who I want to become, whom I can let speak louder, my sensitive side, or my masks. I am at a turning point, I can decide where to go next and it is scaring me. Because doing what I have done so long will only yield the same old results I have come to hate so much, but this new… It’s just so different from what I am accustomed to… and is this what I want in the end? Is it better or worse than I have had before. Does it it lead to the future I want so desperately or is it yet another dead end in my search for happiness? I am not certain about many things, just the fact I am trying hard to fix some of my mistakes means I will have to venture into new paths, discover anew what life is to me, what it has yet to offer and whether or not what I want it to… or can I be just satisfied with what it does bring me, regardless of my preconceptions thereof?

I am taking maybe too much a passive stance at this time and am not engaging enough with who I want to end up like, who I can be when I just simply believe in who I am to me, to others and the effect I have on those around me. Maybe at one point I can stop lieing to myself, to everyone and just bear my soul open, knowing that what I have to share is valuable enough to not fall to scrutiny from the outside. I am a worthwhile person, I know this in my heart, I can even say I am kindhearted and forgiving, but my mind still manages to conjure up thoughts and devices in which to make me doubt these truths.

I have a few days ago included my brother into this realm of my insanity, my struggle, my pain and frustration, but also my hope, my potential salvation. I am still scared what it may bring, but most of all I hope beyond the biggest of hopes that it will finally bring us closer as I have felt him slipping away for years now. He now is reading, from post to post, from fear to strength, from pain to death-wish and attempted suicide. Maybe now he sees the intricate lies that I have woven in my daily routine, that I have held up to everyone, in order to make believe I have been doing fine, when I have balanced along a very slippery slope, where I failed to grasp what I so dearly wanted, where I failed to give my all to those who really deserved it.

When M (one of the exes, which really does not do her any justice as she is probably after my last one the most influential and the closest to perfection of anyone I have ever encountered save for my last love) said she missed her period for about three weeks… I was not scared, I was elated, I was happy beyond all measure, I wanted nothing more than it to be true, than it to make everything fall into place, that I would accomplish my dream. This dream I have not let go of and someone dear to me noted to me that this is no longer a dream, but an obsession, I guess that is true, but I think it to be a reasonably healthy one. I still miss M, I miss her smile, her voice, her soft tough, the way she would caress my ear, kiss me in the neck and just fill me with ecstacy. I have only felt more complete once since. Do I still love her? Yeah… I do, when I love someone… it is for life. And I try to be honest to anyone who wants to be loved by me prior to loving them. Know that you will not be any of my exes, but rather you will be one completely unique, someone not compared with any before, nor with anyone after. You have a place in my heart, and I will love you till the day I die. It must be said that it is very hard to surpass the three women who carved their place into my heart, who conquered me without trying, who have made their mark and I will miss them, every day of my life I have to be without them. this is the absolute truth, the one I can never escape, nor would I want to.

Maybe it is good to list whom have been influential, and why… My life has been filled with some very influential women over the years. I think it is kinda important to start listing them…

J: My very first love, I can still feel the excitement of kissing her in the back of the white Toyota, while we went all to bowling with the entire class. I still have a weak spot for her, but she is happy as she is and I am more than happy for her, I have shared some of my secrets with her, though I really doubt she remembers. She will always be my first love and the measure to which everyone is compared to. I still feel the smile urging to break through thinking back, I was happy… even when I had nothing to be sad about. You are very special to me still. I just wish I had the courage to talk to you again.

M: When I was in high school, I just fell head over feet for you, you would not want anything to do with me and you agreed to be my girl, without ever committing to it, you broke my heart after just three weeks, I still see your face the way I saw it then, I feel giddy when I remember you smile. I should do that more. But this was a relationship just to get me off your case, sorry if I wasted your time.

A: I love you more than I have ever shown you, I was distant, I was scared, not of your brothers, like you asked me several times, I was not scared of your horse, I was not fussed with you smoking, I wanted to be your everything, but I simply could not… I was unable to kiss you, I was emotionally distant, you came too soon, or did not push boundaries enough, I do not know. All I do know is that at our last day of school party I was very desperate to give you all the feelings I had for you, but I was afraid to offend you after all this time. I wanted to kiss you more than anything, but I let it go at you blowing smoke in my face, indicating you were still mad at me for leading you on and not doing anything. I am sorry.

W: Oh where to start… You were my love at first sight, you were my everything, you were my guide, you were my angel, you still had me at looking into your eyes. I was unable to eat, unable to sleep, unable to be anyone unless you were near, you were my thoughts 24/7 you were my muse, my everything, the first to learn of my secrets, the first to crack the mask and question everything. In the end you did not only question my mask, but also my truths, you were confused, angry, and ultimately you pushed me nearly beyond the brink. You pushed me to actively ending me, you made my whole world crashing down, but instead of blaming you, I blame me, because I facilitated it all. I still love you, I still know everything about you, the way you made me tremble, the way you made me enjoy the female form, the way you made me love kissing all over again, you are the one I want to be happy more than anyone, because you deserve it. I am sorry I tested you so.

S: You are special, in most ways mainly due to the fact you were so very different from anyone I have met prior or since. You had issues, you had several instances where I wanted nothing more than just be that person to you, but I just never could live up to the thing you had in mind. I proposed, I know this was what I wanted more than anything, I was ready and you were the person I asked, no one prior was close to this and you were the first I had intercourse with since the event before. I thought this was it… then you were going out without me, taking another guy home… and were unable to lie to me even when I begged you for it, I ended it there and then, but feelings made me come back to you a few times, for which I am still sorry.

This interval is a fairly large interlude of various women I dated, even if for only a night, or even only a few hours. I am not proud of this fact, but this was my response to being alone, being miserable, being self-destructive and nearly to the point I could say I hated women.

Then I moved away and met M: I loved her from the first time I saw her picture, but she was taken, she was not the person I should ever get with, because she was with someone else… I really tested my own boundaries with this one, as I truly loved her more and more with each moment we shared. Things went wrong with her and her boyfriend, I had nothing to do with this as far as I know, but I was smitten with her, I sought her out, on every emotional level, I wanted to be with her every second of the day, I wanted nothing more than being with her. She broke up with him just after the new year, and his house caught on fire, I was there, guarding the stuff, being stoic, being no one in the grand scale of things, I had no agenda, just being there, keeping stuff safe, but was deemed a hero by his flatmates, something I am still ashamed of. I literally did nothing… Not soon after me and M grew very very close and we shared a kiss, we shared everything, we moved in together, due to issues with our landlord and… well I was in heaven. She is the one I love with all my heart, with everything I have, I am still in love with the image she instils in me. The moment she told me she thought she was in love with someone else… my world caved… I made the wrong decisions at the wrong times and said things I can never take back, I hurt her in ways that still baffle me to this day. M… I love you, please forgive me… if you can.

S: in an effort to fix my gaping hole in the heart I sought a rebound which I found in S. I am sorry, that is what you were, this is not your fault as I loved you truly, but I really went way way too fast, projecting my love for M onto you. We were engaged way too fast which I still do not regret, however, but I think things went to fast, for the both of us. You got pregnant, giving me no choice in the abortion and leaving me out to dry, I hated that choice since the first time I heard it, but I never held it against you. I grew to love you more and more, but you stole my soul, you broke me by grinding my passion dull, you made my sparkle die out. I do, however, not blame you because I let you. When we got back to the UK, we started to really drift apart and I got frustrated that you laughed at and with others like you used to laugh with me. I felt neglected, I felt abandoned and then you kicked me back to Holland. I ended it not short after that, the second engagement I ended… Yay me. I still have a weak spot for you, I still love you, but you are happy now… and that is more than I managed over the last 2 years of us being together.

And then the one I call perfect, the one that is my everything, my latest love, my torment, my bliss. I know you read this, I know you look at this with scrutiny, I love you, more than life itself, more than anything I have ever loved and I still do. I cannot be a friend to you as my feelings will not die down. You are my muse, my inspiration, the one whom no one ever will come close to, or so I feel at this present time. You are my ideal, you are perfect in every way, shape and form. I love you, I said I would never utter those words again, but frankly… I just do… there is nothing I want more than to hold you in my arms, to feel that heaven on earth you promised in your eyes, in your smiles. The trips we took, the debates and fights we had, the times we did not understand each other. The times we clashed, the times I shut down… not wanting to make a mistake, when you hurt me and I tried to hurt you back and succeeded. I am sorry for all the pain I caused, all the heartache and discord. All I ever wanted was for us to be happy, I prepared to propose several times, but was stopped by our clashes, I wish I was not, I wanted more and more and I feel like I still do, even though my mind is very clear on the matter, you and I are not meant to be, but the heart just does not relent. My heart yearns for you and you alone, only your embrace can soothe it, only your kisses can remove the pain, only your love can save me, or so my heart tells me. I am very sorry, but this is the truth. I wish we were more compatible, but we are too different in our approach to relations, to life, to everything. Or maybe I am just still too much broken to be whom you need me to be. If you ever change your mind… I have a ring here, with your name on it.

And now there is me, not knowing what to do with myself, not knowing what path to take how to engage anyone or anything, just comparing everything to the perfection in my mind. I am stuck… and fearful of making a wrong choice, like I have done so often in the past. I am this broken and worn out doll. Life has taken it’s toll on me and left me with scars, but to me it is proof: “I once was alive”

May I live again.

So close

So close

There is at least two big events coming up in the near future, those are post #100 and the 1st year anniversary of this blog being “active”. I notice myself having many opinions about both of these occasions and not all of them are good. I have really tried to not let my perfectionism get the better of me, not changing posts when I do see grammatical errors and structural mishaps, trying hard to not focus on the small details and just look at the broader picture of me being more open, even if it is only in a very anonymous format, yelling at a wall of unknown faces whom sometimes have something to say in return. I love the engage I do get from time to time, so many uplifting and kind remarks. Even if someone disagrees with my point of view, I really appreciate the feedback, I really like the connection it seems to make.

Now that post 100 is going to be coming up really really shortly (this is 98) I am really trying to figure out what it is going to be, is it going to be just a poem, is it me ranting about something I seem to be stuck with, or is it more something along the lines of a celebration (or lamentation if you will) of the steps I have taken. I’ve been remarkably more open than I thought I would be, which I believe to be a really really good thing, yet it also makes me feel more vulnerable in my daily life, seeing there are excerpts I do want to share with certain people, but not everything else. I am not ready to let them in this far, I do not want to give them the tools for my destruction, then again… I am more than capable enough to destroy myself in a heartbeat and need no outside help to achieve that. I guess, though, that this is the main reason I want this to not be out in the open just yet.

The very notion of me stating the “yet” there is something I have not really considered too often, save for a few select people in my surroundings, dear friends that I dare to open up to, that I dare share with. Strangely this still excludes my direct family, or well that is probably my way of shielding them from the torment I inflict upon myself and they might want to take some of the blame onto themselves for this, which is something I really wish to avoid at all costs. So in being dishonest to them more often than not, or intentionally vague, I am protecting them from the dark that is so deeply entrenched into my thoughts and daily life. That said, I do talk more, I am more open, though that comes and goes, I am less quiet in company, but when I am alone at home, I still tend to just cocoon, go into hermit modus and just sit in front of my PC and read, listen to music, play a game, or just aimlessly hop from random page to random page. Something I do tend to criticise myself for internally.

I am really good at going off on a tangent and derail what I actually wanted to write about. The several paragraphs I removed are a good example of this, which will most likely return in another post or in some other form altogether. But again, I digress. I think being vulnerable in a harsh world takes a lot of courage, and the filter you get from the internet, the anonymity is something that makes it all a lot easier to show. That all changes of course when people you see in your every day lives are subjected to this vulnerability. What are they going to do? Will they understand? Will they respect the boundaries you wish to keep in place and open up as well for a deeper connection? Or will they use this as a means to grief, bully and demean? Quite frankly I am rather scared of all the ammo I give those who wish to hurt me, for whatever reason. This keeps circling in my mind, echoing into nothingness and makes me feel like I am fooling everyone in my direct surroundings. It makes me feel insecure and I feel as if I am deceiving, being dishonest and flat out lie to my family and close friends.

What has all of this to do with the fact that I am close to 100 posts? Well quite simply that it is a point I had hoped to achieve faster and not at all at the same time. Let me elaborate on that a bit as it is something I have been struggling with quite a fair bit. I never thought I’d actually make the effort to get to the 100th post at all, my inner critic always hammering on my every mistake, which I leave in intentionally, just to piss it off to no end. It does raise the bar each and every time though, makes my expectations soaring up and I actually feel rather down when I feel I am misunderstood. Not every one will agree with me, not every one will have my perspective, even if I do give a glimpse of mine. The truth is a myth, as there are only points of view… perspectives, each war will be fought with people on both sides thinking they have just reasons to do so, no one is evil in their intentions, well aside from certain individuals who really just want to see the world burn and who take pleasure in the misfortune of others. That said, there will always be a counter opinion to everything I say and do, most of them are already internal, some external as well. Quite frankly, writing all this, makes me feel somewhat vulnerable, I actually write about my fears, my pains and my joy. And this fuels a lot of… issues, feelings, things I have been hiding. I fear I am not worth the time or effort mostly, I still wake up with death on my mind, another reason I did not expect to make it this far. I have repeat dreams of the past, but now from a different perspective, which is weird. These are very dark as well, makes me wake bathing in sweat or feel like I have been crying my eyes out.

Again, I am going in circles, I keep repeating the same things, avoiding the point I really aught to make. I am afraid to change, either for the better or for worse. This bubble I made feels familiar, somehow safe, a place I have resided for most of my life, so this must be it, right? Why would I want to change this? Should I even? But I am miserable, I feel worthless and ready to give up at any moment, I am not good enough, but I would love to feel I belong, like I am worth it, like I have a part still to play in the world, however insignificant this might be. But I am afraid to change, on paper I can, in life… I freeze, I lock up and go silent. Yet I feel I am getting closer with each fear I post, with each step I take….

So close, to a better today and a hopeful tomorrow.