A new leaf?

A new leaf?

I am not sure how to start talking about the last week. Work has been boring, tedious and mainly just bleh, for a lack of a better description, but I am kinda enjoying me being a bit cheeky with colleagues, being a bit more like the person I want to be without even having to put up a mask of being ‘okay’ and this in itself is a first. I am still riddled with doubts and insecurity, but despite that I can show me being slightly annoying, but loyal and generally engaging in conversations. I have stories to tell, I listen and comment, I am stepping a bit closer to the person I want to be for me and for everyone around me. There are those I somehow am reluctant to engage due to various issues from my past with them, from my thoughts concerning them and expectations I cannot ever seem to reach. I am sorry for this, but I have been bouncing in my chair, feeling somewhat happy with me and the feeling seems to stick so far. Good things keep on piling on, going to meet a friend on Sunday, a dear one at that and prior to that I will be joining my brother at a one day festival loving the 90’s. My ‘sister’ is gonna be there too with her partner, I have not seen them in like 15 years and I am excited beyond measure.

But yes, I have started feeling good, I have started being just happy, being more active in conversations, being closer to the person I have always wanted to be. Spontaneous and cheeky. I am also looking forward to my holiday at the end of next month. 2 weeks of Greece, I am SO looking forward to it. Also meeting with the very best friend I ever had… well he knows, he should know. We were inseparable since we first met and even after he moved… every time we meet, it is like we continue where we left off, it always is good. Just to have someone like that in my life is an amazingly indescribable feeling. I wish I could say I had that with one more person and to a degree that is the case, but shadows of our past do cloud that more than we would both like to admit. I consider myself rich nonetheless, because I have at least one of those people in my life… Gives me reason to like the person that I am and have some pride in the steps in the right direction I have made.

I matter, I do things to help people without wanting anything in return and now I start to feel as if my contributions matter, like I am worth fighting for. I can be me and that gives me so much positive energy. I cannot really put my finger on it, it seems like something just clicked. I was told that I go from one extreme to the other and that cannot be healthy, but I am not sure that this is part of a mania that goes with my depression, as that is still there nagging at the back of my mind at all the mistakes I make, but rather than giving in to that, I am just happy to be me… and I feel a smile growing just typing this.

I really do fear though that this high will end and it will hold me back in later days to keep fighting on as this was just a phase, just an illusion I wanted to believe in more than I’d like to admit. That fear is still overpowered though, but it is something that I keep in mind. I am also looking at all the things I can do to avoid feeling the bursting of this bubble, if it indeed is one. At this time, I just feel lucky, to be here, to be me, to be able to look forward and share my joy with the ones I hold dear.

Happy weekend everyone.

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Resurfacing

Resurfacing

I have been at a low, one I dare not describe. I have been at a crossroad, with several bad roads, none of them particularly appealing, but I think in silencing myself I did not only myself a disservice, but also everyone that has some sort of an interest in me, those who follow me, want me to be and feel better than I wish for myself. I apologise for this, but somehow this too feels hollow. I do not feel I can make up for this absence, other than give my openness a whole new twist and just soldiering on with my feelings, my bleeding heart onto the virtual canvas that is this blog. Maybe one day I dare put my name to it and to be frank, I have been really very close to doing so the last few days. But the time is not yet there… I do, however, feel that I am going to… sooner rather than later and this too is quite a huge step.

I feel like I am walking a like between salvation and destruction, but at this point my ‘high’ lets me believe the positive is the only possible outcome, while in a matter of hours the other side of me might convince me of the opposite. I hate the fact I am torn between those two very contrasting voices inside of me and that I exclude the people I should exclude least. I am sorry for being a shit friend, a shit partner to converse with, a shit human being and wallowing in self-pity . I am sorry, but no more am I going to try and hide myself behind a veil.

Today I showed my lifelong (and childhood) friend my blog, I am going to meet him again tomorrow for coffee/beer/whatever and hopefully continue where we left off a few years ago when I just got back from the UK. Somehow it always feels as if easing in a warm bath… always good, always comfortable, but knowing that someone I trust so much only can scratch at the surface of what I have been through and have been hiding for so long… it no longer felt like a good thing, it was more a burden… and I did no longer want to show him a mask of someone I am not, nor was at any point. I think I am close to do that for a lot more people, I feel I am ready to really open up and I feel stronger because of this. I am worth more than I have given myself credit for for all this time.

Next week I am going to see my brother at a festival/party and friends I have not seen since my college days, afterwards I’ll take a detour to meet up with a friend who needs a hug bad and I am more than happy to give her as many as she needs and then, hopefully a month of work and then… vacation for two whole weeks. Just relaxing in the Greek sun, trying to unwind, maybe rediscover more of who I would like to be. For now… I am positive, feeling good and wanting to progress. Willing to share me, the real me without a mask and just enjoy life, for as long as I may have it.

 

Thank you for being here, reading, commenting, trying to keep me up, not giving up even when I clearly have multiple times. I am humbled and hope to keep reading your stories while I keep on writing mine.

Appointments

Appointments

Today I have had an appointment to see what kind of help I could benefit the most with, now I have been very anxious about this for a long time, but I addressed it with my last doctors appointment where I just indicated that my emotions were flaring up at bad times, where my mood was spiralling downwards and old habits resurfaced.  This time I was the one who said ‘This is not right, I have to do something before it is too late’. Now usually I’d forego that as I deem myself of far lesser importance than anyone else and me admitting that I am in need of help was something that just never really should rear up again, however, I now have made that first step, again. I feel like I should feel good about this, but I clearly do not… Why is not really known to me at this time, but I am also not sure if it is important for me to find out exactly. Maybe I just need help now, dealing with the past, building towards a future and not be weighed down by the burdens I decided to carry with me.

Does this mean that I have to go back to group therapy sessions, or does it mean that I am going to be medicated… Frankly, both seem scary, both seem hard to combine with my work schedule, both seem hard to sell to my family. I am seeing trouble at every turn, I feel I sabotage any attempt before I even started with making them. The complexity of the issues I deal with are perhaps not very difficult to comprehend, but I am not very open about my feelings, always pushing them down, always avoiding them, that save for one emotion I just cannot ever stop. That one, however, is not one I am struggling with at this time. It is not what holds me back, it is not that which makes me insecure.

Why is it so hard to see my own issues and problems with clarity, where solutions or insights are something I can give myself. Not second guessing everything, not diminishing the good I have done and inflate the bad. Why do I see only the negative when I reflect on my life? Why do I only find the good in others? Why does my mind go to very dark places, why do I only sometimes dare to get out of the shell I reside in and make a joke, where does my confidence come from when I am in a new group of people. Why do I have a strong voice and lead in those situations, but when it comes to me, not a group, I tend to cave… I tend to fall apart. I do not mediate between my positive thoughts and the negative, I do not lead by example, or maybe that is exactly what I am doing and generally just think of my own well-being as of lesser importance, as I just seem to not be able to get through a day without the negativity.

I am so tired of spinning this old worn out record again and again, going through the same motions, being not half whom I could or should be. And certainly not a person I want to be. Missed opportunities and fumbled chances always on loop in my mind, my inner demons regurgitate the same dulling hymns of them, resonating in every part of my being. I feel like a failure, I feel I am full of wasted potential. I did not waste it, nature wasted it on me and I am unable to even put it to some good use.

I guess I am trying to open that can of worms, take the leap and see where this door leads me. Either way I am going somewhere and not staying at this spot, so there is progress I guess.

On Random Tangents

On Random Tangents

Sometimes I go back and read back what I wrote, relive the pain and joy of the moment, remembering what I looked like, what I felt and where my thoughts lead me, trying out new avenues and twists to make a more complete picture of the whole self help journey so far. For that is mainly what this is, to many degrees. I want to be the me I can be and can enjoy being, not this empty shell of failed opportunities and lost potential.  I also see my mistakes, or the rather frustratingly oddball things I wrote and I cringe, I flail at myself and remind myself that at the time it seemed like a good idea. I have to try and let go of “improving” what I wrote.

But what am I trying to accomplish, what are my goals, where is this journey taking me and do I like what I find while traversing the path I have decided on taking? Well, quite frankly this whole thing is “new” for me and it is scary as hell, I do not know what to expect, even how to take the next step after the one I have just taken and still I am plodding along, still I go onwards. This in itself is a victory, something I should be able to feel good about, but then there is that nagging voice in my mind that tells me how things have been less than optimal, how I can improve, be better, raising the expectations beyond achievable limits. That is when the doubt sets in, but sometimes I relish in the challenge that I give myself, I tend to be extremely stubborn and go against the flow, when someone says I cannot do something, I try to prove them wrong.  I am trying this tactic on myself now and sometimes it works.

I have also submitted something to another blog, not sure if it is what they are looking for, but it does mean a lot to me, something I have not shared before, something I have not really addressed, something that fuels a lot of my insecurities, not just something that has been steadily growing over the years, but something that really formed a catalyst for my current state. It is something that I never truly addressed even in therapy, but I think I can say this has to do with domestic abuse and neglect, something that eroded the last vestiges of sanity and threw me off into the deep end. Now I am not saying that I am blaming anyone, but myself, for this. I let this happen in my mind, so I should be accountable, or should I? I guess that will have to be reserved for another post though, be it a guest entry or on here.

We all deserve life that was given and we all have the right to try and improve it and shape it into what we would like it to become. I do not believe in dividing people up into little boxes, labelling them and sorting them on importance to me or my ideals. I have lied in the past, I am ashamed of this, the lies I wove into my life got big, huge even, they have taken over most of my ability to function in maintaining them. So I guess in a way I deserve to be lied to as well. I deserve to live with the masks of others as I showed only mine for so long. Maybe that is why I have so little true contact with people from my past, or maybe I failed to see past my mask, lied too often, or made just too many mistakes and just upped and left anyway. I do not know for certain. Maybe I am getting exactly what I deserve, maybe I should repent more and mend broken trusts and bonds. I know that this would be an impossible task, I know that me going in circles about this is not going to solve anything. Maybe I am not sure exactly where I am going with this, or maybe my perfectionism is working overtime again.

Perhaps try to stick to poetry for a while while you figure out what it is you exactly want, you idiot, though you fail at those too, so who knows what is best… I sure as hell don’t at this point. You are just a mess, fix it, because you are not taking my advice.

My mind is so much fun sometimes…

Today I Realised…

Today I Realised…

I am at times still a mess, I am at times doing better, I am at times doubting my every breath and cursing every thought that pops into my head. That said, I am moving onward, slowly but surely I am beginning to see cracks in the dark, I am beginning to experience personal space inside of my heart and mind, where I am allowed to be me, if only for a very short period of time. In these moments I am not overly critical of who I am, or whom I should have been all along. I am me and that is not something to continuously be ashamed of. I matter, I can be valuable, even if I am not perfect or infallible. This already is in stark contrast to how I viewed myself about a year ago, or even prior to that. Where I was not allowed to even have the slightest hints of a fault to my name, or I would lash out and scold myself internally for every time and every thing I have done wrong and would continue to do wrong. It is actually painful to think back to those thoughts, those feelings, emerging out of the shadow I cast over myself. I am not there yet, I know this and that, for now, is fine. All I know is that I am growing, not quick enough (obviously), but there is progress.

I am trying to keep people that I care about in the loop, yet I cannot bring myself to share this with my parents, I really do fear they might be extremely upset by some of the things I wrote here, I still fear the potential lash back of my brother reading this, the darkness that no doubt has shaken him as well. I feel ashamed, I feel as if I betrayed him by not sharing before and this only grows stronger when I think about my parents. Have I not hurt them enough, do I really need to add to their already staggering list of woes? Granted there never is, was or will be a perfect time to divulge all of this to those you claim to hold closest to you, the time just is not now I feel. I am not ready to take it that one step further. I also do not believe I should make it too public in either case, mainly due to some people possibly not understanding or not wanting to be ‘exposed’.

My life still has many secrets, most of which I have been sworn to keep to myself, never to share. I actually have displayed loyalty to people who have used me, stabbed me in the back and discarded me like old furniture. My own pride and morals just prevent me from going back on my word. But that in a way is a victory that only I can feel, that only I can treasure, so I keep holding on to that.

There have been many occasions where I have thought about giving up, where I have been at the brink, where I saw no other way out, but even in those dark days, I survived and just being here still has made me stronger than I possibly could have imagined with a syringe in my hands, crying in the shower, cursing my very existence. I feel more emotional as of late, where I tend to just break down, not because I cannot take it, but because I allow myself to cry, I cry not just because of my pain, but also for the injustice in the world. I know I cannot solve everything by just piling all those problems and pain onto my heap and struggle onwards, as if I were the only one to shoulder it and that that would be the way things should be. This pressure is the kind that took me to look for destructive outlets, other ways out, doubting myself if things went remotely well, as if I did not deserve it.

I still can bring smiles to peoples faces, I can still make them feel as if they matter, that I think they are worth something and that that something is pretty special. I want people to cherish who they are, I want to give them a perspective they have not found for themselves, but mainly I want them to see who I see when I read, when I look, when I hear… that person is amazing and most certainly deserves all the adoration they can get. Now if I were to try and say that in the mirror… well quite frankly, the idea alone frightens me, then those words lose all power to me, then it is but letters aligned in a manner that looks appealing, but does not get through the layers of cynical self reflection. I am not done deconstructing that part of myself, at least not in a way that is healthy or constructive at this time. My journey is far from over, I have a ways to go, but I do honestly feel that I am on a track that will lead me to where I would want to be in the future.