Shadow

Shadow
My voice leaves no traces in the air

My eyes never see what you perceive

My heart will never beat in unison again

My thoughts think there is nothing to retrieve

So I sit in the darkness

The only partner that is always there

Listening to his words

To every curse and every swear

 

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How do I feel?

How do I feel?

Well this is kind of a hard thing to ponder upon for me, as I have been actively been trying to suppress most of my feelings for a very long time. I have been trying actively to numb it all, push it aside and let it stay locked up, fearful of the uncontrolled things they may inflict onto me or others. Though this is exactly what my therapist wants me to explore and experience. Being mindful about what I feel is a small, but vital first step. And it seems to me that it is going to be a very big struggle to even acknowledge the slightest emotion or feeling. I critically analyse everything into the minutest of details and I often try to control the conversations I do have by sort of knowing what they want to hear or want to be asked. I am generally good at steering these kinds of things.

But now I am trying to be honest, truthful and not shy away from hardships, this is also something that annoys the living daylight out of me. I cannot keep my head on track from time to time, I manage to get lost in an emotion. I tend to try and control it immediately, rationalise it, but all in all I am just so fearful of feeling in general. The only emotion I have been able to allow in my life has been love, but that is mainly because I need it more than the others it seems and because it is way too strong to be contained. So instead of fighting it, I embraced it. Love has made me do weird things, has hurt me, has left me all alone and broken, but still I give my all to it, every single time.

Why is that? Why can I do it for that one aspect of my emotions and why not for all the others? Why do I put them on a leash, why do I shove them in a box in the attic or cellar? It makes it really hard to determine how I feel about things, how I look upon the world, which set of glasses I tend to wear when looking around. This also infringes with me being a ‘strong and independent’ person as I will not raise my voice to fight for what is best for me and just suffer in silence, let it happen. The anger I had as a child I have subdued completely, as I really fear for someone’s life should I ever let it go, but that was the last bit of my feelings that came through, that made me active about my feelings.

The panic attacks and hyperventilation I have had because of these emotions being subdued made me even more fearful of them and made me shove them further away, I stopped caring about me, I tried several things to ‘fix’ the issue, but none really worked. Alcohol was not a good idea and only made certain things worse. Being the clown and making the most fun, trying to have a laugh with everyone and just being the one people can have a good time with were the biggest masks I have had and the ones I used to keep up for the longest of times.

But how do I feel? How do I determine how to feel? What is it that I want to feel? I cannot control my feelings, not in the way I would like to, I notice (or try to anyway) my growing unease about the lack of control over them. Do I want to cry, do I want to be angry? Do I want to laugh, or do I want to because I think I should? I am conflicted, trying to notice all the small changes, still analysing, still trying to process it all and guide it along a path my mind is comfortable with. I am internally in turmoil and it makes me tired, it makes me want to curl up and hide. I sleep a lot, I shiver sometimes, I am exploring and I am scared of what or whom I might find…

So I feel scared most of all, scared that my inner voices are right about me, scared that I will not like me, hate the person I find even more than I already do. I am scared and just admitting that makes me feel a cold tingle through my spine. This could be a long weekend…

Guardian

Guardian
A swift flick of the wrist
A harsh slam on the table
These are the last moments
that I am able

To admit I am but a child
Happy and free
Death in this instance
never to be me

The hard shell
that guards my inner child
Has lost all reason
I let it run wild

Now it holds me ransom
Playing with my fears
Reduces me to ash
not allowing my tears.

The outside

The outside

Well somehow I managed to get outside today, I have struggled all day to even get the slightest of human contacts, but I managed to actually meet my therapist. And it was really confronting. It wore me out, I felt so drained and wrecked… It seems that it is what I already knew all along. Interpersonal contact means me showing my mask, not feeling. I cannot allow myself to feel anything at any time, because if I do, I lose control. Losing said control, that frightens me, because I might be dangerous…

But then you may wonder, you write about it so fluently and without reservation, you can inform anyone with the words of wisdom you wish to instil on others. While that is true… I can not easily make eye contact when talking to people, I cannot let my true fears and feelings show, as that might open up the possibility that I might do something I would regret. I always end up not doing more… But my hesitation is what keeps holding me back. Now we (my therapist and myself) discussed why I was feeling this way, why this mechanism is in place and why I do not allow my feelings to have any right of being present.

This little talk… wow… it was heavy, I still do not allow myself to feel. I fear what it may bring. I fear it makes me into the person I do not want to be, but it holds me back to become the person I could be. And that person… I just might like him a whole lot better than who I am now. The uncertainty is killing me though.

I am, however, very happy I am not holding back my truth any longer. I am trying to be as honest as I can be, not colour the pictures and be genuine in everything I tell people. This too is quite a first, I’d like to call it my radical honesty. It is liberating… it helps, it actually gives me some sort of a connection where first there was none. Again I feel like crying… I can relate to the written word so much better than the spoken word… and the latter is the thing I so desperately need to make the connections I long for.

I have to admit… I am fuelling a lot of this on alcohol again and I am saddened because of it. Why do I need it? What makes me crave it so? I think it is the numbing it gives on my needs, my pains, my wants. I know nothing for me, but when I am inebriated I have less walls up, I hide less and I can actually enjoy myself for a change. Why the frag do I need this? I hate myself for it and the circle is complete once again, me hating on me for hating on me.

My task for this week, or period until the next appointment, is to allow myself to be aware of my feelings. Something I have been trying to control all this time. My need for control and analytical analysing the situations for anything that may or may not occur, that is where I lose touch with me, and other people. It is where I fail to connect. Admitting this… well I cannot at this time, but I know that there is truth to it.

So I am going to try… to feel, to acknowledge these feelings and be aware of their presence. My feelings matter, but I have to allow them to exist, only then will I find what I am looking for, only then will I have the strength to not only fight for me, but for others as well… As at this point I cannot really stand up for what I believe in, as I am not sure I feel that is the right thing to be fighting for. I love my friends and family, that will not change, ever, but what about all the others, what about me? Am I important enough to fight for? At present… no, no I am not… I am but a verb, something used in a sentence to define an action or status onto something (or someone) else. Can you love such a person? I know I cannot… so that has to change… Maybe I need to stop and stand still for a while, try to find out what I want, not what others want of and for me.

I have a lot to think about these next few weeks and I will try my hardest to keep you informed. You guys and gals reading this… it helps. So thanks for that. I really appreciate it.

Reclaimed

Reclaimed
In the light I feel

as if the warmth

is meant for me

lighting

soothing

feeding

A warm embrace.

But the cold of the 

night awaits

Always

waiting

ready to strike

clamping back onto

my growing need for 

contact

an escape

a way out of 

this spiral

that only knows 

one end

And it only stops

when I do.

After the Weekend

After the Weekend

Now that my weekend is nearly over I have some time to recall what I have done this weekend. I have tested my limits, went well beyond them and I invited someone into my home, one of my greatest fears, due to the inner perfectionist in me. I have done it, I had someone over for two whole days. I like his online presence, but getting him inside of my domain… that was big. I think I could consider him now more than just a very cool guy online, I’d even go as far as to say I probably made a new friend.

So what went wrong, according to me? Well firstly, it was a huge bloody mess everywhere, at least to me. Some places are actually a lot cleaner than they have been for a while, but well clearly I see dirt and dust, I see what I did wrong, or just not good enough. I have bashed myself over and over about this, hoping that playing a game would distract my guest from seeing the same things as I do and did. But instead, there was no retaliation, there was no lash-back at the brutal mess I have been living in. Even the dishes and lack of warm water did not really seem to be a problem. Or maybe he was just trying to make me feel more comfortable. I am not certain at this point, but I think somewhere deep down, it really was not an issue.

So does this mean that my fears were ungrounded, well I would not go that far, but I do know that I have been at least able to welcome someone and keep them to some degree entertained with my presence. This is a victory in my book, though my Mr. Perfect wants to have been able to achieve more, learn more, do more. always the doubts always the little nagging voice in the back of my mind, growing now the silence has returned to my home. But what has actually happened? I cleaned, I made an effort, it is a great start to something I have been putting off for far too long. It is something I want to be doing more, I want more people to come over, I love having people nearby. I am a very social person and not just online it seems. I love the interaction, even when I am so blatantly awkward doing so at the moment.

So what have I gained? Well at present, I do not know, but tension went through the roof and was barely present at other times. Now that it all seems to have subsided I feel… odd, weird and somehow this makes me want to consume alcohol, there is a void I cannot fill. I hate this feeling. I feel alone.

Wishing

Wishing

Breathing the salty air

feeling the suns kiss

Walking on clouds

the feelings I miss.

 

A waking moment

inside of this dream

Makes me feel alive

or so it would seem

 

But this is but

a mirage of a play

A blurred out sandpaining

the sea washed away

 

How I wish

I could join you there

But a stab through my soul

pulls me back into my nightmare.