Well somehow I managed to get outside today, I have struggled all day to even get the slightest of human contacts, but I managed to actually meet my therapist. And it was really confronting. It wore me out, I felt so drained and wrecked… It seems that it is what I already knew all along. Interpersonal contact means me showing my mask, not feeling. I cannot allow myself to feel anything at any time, because if I do, I lose control. Losing said control, that frightens me, because I might be dangerous…
But then you may wonder, you write about it so fluently and without reservation, you can inform anyone with the words of wisdom you wish to instil on others. While that is true… I can not easily make eye contact when talking to people, I cannot let my true fears and feelings show, as that might open up the possibility that I might do something I would regret. I always end up not doing more… But my hesitation is what keeps holding me back. Now we (my therapist and myself) discussed why I was feeling this way, why this mechanism is in place and why I do not allow my feelings to have any right of being present.
This little talk… wow… it was heavy, I still do not allow myself to feel. I fear what it may bring. I fear it makes me into the person I do not want to be, but it holds me back to become the person I could be. And that person… I just might like him a whole lot better than who I am now. The uncertainty is killing me though.
I am, however, very happy I am not holding back my truth any longer. I am trying to be as honest as I can be, not colour the pictures and be genuine in everything I tell people. This too is quite a first, I’d like to call it my radical honesty. It is liberating… it helps, it actually gives me some sort of a connection where first there was none. Again I feel like crying… I can relate to the written word so much better than the spoken word… and the latter is the thing I so desperately need to make the connections I long for.
I have to admit… I am fuelling a lot of this on alcohol again and I am saddened because of it. Why do I need it? What makes me crave it so? I think it is the numbing it gives on my needs, my pains, my wants. I know nothing for me, but when I am inebriated I have less walls up, I hide less and I can actually enjoy myself for a change. Why the frag do I need this? I hate myself for it and the circle is complete once again, me hating on me for hating on me.
My task for this week, or period until the next appointment, is to allow myself to be aware of my feelings. Something I have been trying to control all this time. My need for control and analytical analysing the situations for anything that may or may not occur, that is where I lose touch with me, and other people. It is where I fail to connect. Admitting this… well I cannot at this time, but I know that there is truth to it.
So I am going to try… to feel, to acknowledge these feelings and be aware of their presence. My feelings matter, but I have to allow them to exist, only then will I find what I am looking for, only then will I have the strength to not only fight for me, but for others as well… As at this point I cannot really stand up for what I believe in, as I am not sure I feel that is the right thing to be fighting for. I love my friends and family, that will not change, ever, but what about all the others, what about me? Am I important enough to fight for? At present… no, no I am not… I am but a verb, something used in a sentence to define an action or status onto something (or someone) else. Can you love such a person? I know I cannot… so that has to change… Maybe I need to stop and stand still for a while, try to find out what I want, not what others want of and for me.
I have a lot to think about these next few weeks and I will try my hardest to keep you informed. You guys and gals reading this… it helps. So thanks for that. I really appreciate it.