Do you see the black that hides behind my eyes trying to overwhelm at every opportunity wanting to not act upon them I drown them in any way I possibly can now you think I am deceiving myself into believing I am doing something right when I am not but do you really know how often the blade slices inside my mind how often I suffocate and strangle myself in hatred breathing all the mistakes down my throat the nights I cry myself into a ball of hopelessness I ask not for anyone's pity or judgement all I want is to accept the person that stares back when I look in the mirror and not see a shimmering shadow of the person I could have been.
Be happy snap out of it just fix everything that is wrong is what people tell me what I tell myself eroding away the small things I am doing stopping me from progressing away from this depressing state of mind.
And so I sit in the darkest corners of my mind peering into the darkness I cling to fearful of the light that searches that brings hope and release but this pain is familiar I know what it can and will do and I am scared for the torment that another path will subject me to.
I have no words to give I have no faith in a world without knowing there is more than just this more than just existing for the sake of it I know that you have unspoken decrees about me and unfulfilled wishes coinciding I just hope that my tears are not wasted not this time at least.
My heart stopped eyes sore pain of not being yesterday not able to grow beyond the failures I was already broken alone and robbed It was not 'my day' and I fear it never will be.
My heart is still open shattered and broken I still hurt and stumble over insecurities but I need you like I always have and I want to be all you need even if it kills me.
Trying to describe my feelings now is as impossible as attempting to read my writing on paper with a white pencil the words are there but they will never reach you.