I wait for the leaves to turn into a perfect hue of autumn warm and comforting where nature prepares for the cold dark of winter but lets out a final show of utter beauty and serenity the season of goodbye and a fond fare thee well a soft, warm cuddle before the light fades.
I wish I could tell you the things I have always wanted to explain To give you a glimpse in the darkness that I hold so close Contemplating I remain still unsure and vulnerable Should I take yet another leap into the open Or should I explore these new waters this new path just a bit more alone?
My body moves on a flow that I have not felt oft on a high that I can taste can quantify and have been privvy to feel the way I wished to feel and while I am still searching I am looking forward with a smile etched in my soul.
I do not claim to state that my life is perfect, nor do I feel like the effort some people have made or make my life better has been ignored or forgotten. I still hold you dear more than I can express. But today I feel… good, happy… and I relish in the thought.
Today I feel good a surprising feeling not oft felt not often do I feel as if I matter that people should care but today I am still here still fighting in ways that are less than optimal less than perfect but in my own little way I feel like I matter and I deserve something better than what I have been dealt with so far.
Do you see the black that hides behind my eyes trying to overwhelm at every opportunity wanting to not act upon them I drown them in any way I possibly can now you think I am deceiving myself into believing I am doing something right when I am not but do you really know how often the blade slices inside my mind how often I suffocate and strangle myself in hatred breathing all the mistakes down my throat the nights I cry myself into a ball of hopelessness I ask not for anyone's pity or judgement all I want is to accept the person that stares back when I look in the mirror and not see a shimmering shadow of the person I could have been.
Be happy snap out of it just fix everything that is wrong is what people tell me what I tell myself eroding away the small things I am doing stopping me from progressing away from this depressing state of mind.
And so I sit in the darkest corners of my mind peering into the darkness I cling to fearful of the light that searches that brings hope and release but this pain is familiar I know what it can and will do and I am scared for the torment that another path will subject me to.