I do not want
to be your burden
to be a source
of continued pain

to make you feel
ignored and forgotten
to cause distress
and tear up your eyes

I do not have
the strength
nor the will
to put you through this

over and over again
only to end up
hurting us both
more and more.




I wait for the leaves
to turn into a perfect
hue of autumn 
warm and comforting

where nature prepares 
for the cold dark of winter
but lets out a final show
of utter beauty and serenity

the season of goodbye
and a fond fare thee well
a soft, warm cuddle
before the light fades.


I wish I could
tell you the things
I have always wanted
to explain

To give you a glimpse
in the darkness
that I hold 
so close

Contemplating I remain
still unsure
and vulnerable

Should I take
yet another leap
into the open

Or should I explore
these new waters
this new path
just a bit more alone?


My body moves
on a flow that
I have not felt oft
on a high that
I can taste
can quantify
and have been privvy
to feel the way
I wished to feel
and while I am
still searching
I am looking
forward with
a smile
etched in my soul.



I do not claim to state that my life is perfect, nor do I feel like the effort some people have made or make my life better has been ignored or forgotten. I still hold you dear more than I can express. But today I feel… good, happy… and I relish in the thought.

Today I feel
a surprising feeling
not oft felt
not often
do I feel as if
I matter
that people should care
but today
I am still here
still fighting
in ways that are less
than optimal
less than perfect
but in my own little way
I feel
like I matter
and I deserve 
something better than
what I have been dealt with 
so far.


Do you see
the black
that hides
behind my eyes
trying to
at every 
wanting to not
act upon them
I drown them
in any way 
I possibly can
now you think
I am deceiving
into believing
I am doing
something right
when I am not
but do you
really know
how often
the blade slices
inside my mind
how often
I suffocate
and strangle
myself in hatred
breathing all
the mistakes
down my throat
the nights
I cry myself
into a ball
of hopelessness
I ask not 
for anyone's pity
or judgement
all I want
is to accept
the person
that stares back
when I look
in the mirror
and not see
a shimmering
of the person
I could have been.