In silence I sit waiting for the drums of war to roll over me To see the sun set in the distance a horizon I'll never face I wait for the cold embrace one I've been expecting all my life All that is left to wonder is how long death intends to play with me.
Music echoes in my ears happy upbeat tunes trying hard to get my mood to improve if only a little drowning the voices that want nothing more than to resonate in my soul and influence my very existence can they ever be silenced be still if only for a brief moment or will I always need to drown them knowing perfectly well they have long since learned how to swim on the waves of my despair.
I promised to post more, I promised to send friends my writing, I promised to be more alive, I promised to be so much more than I am managing to be right now. I find myself engrossed in an online existence, not really going out much and being close to the shade I have been prior to going to therapy. I hate every second of this and it is eating away at me, I actually caved and bought another crate of beer, which might not see the end of the night, but it probably will. The end of the week I think not though. Tomorrow will already be quite an achievement. Which ever way I am looking at the last month all I see is failure and mistakes, things I should fix, could have prevented and done better. Over all this month has not been a good one and my resolution is not even come close into view. I am still battling my demons, it is a losing battle unless I have some distraction, so I create my own. I play this game called Ark: Survival Evolved. I’d like to say I am pretty good at it, even when it is true, I see what other people build and how they manage their time so much more efficiently than I can… So I just tame, add to an ever expanding dinosaur collection, to the point where I am playing solo as the alpha tribe on the server. Now on PvE that has no real significance, but it does illustrate very well how much time I have actually put into it.
I am also thinking about trying other avenues to generate some sort of income, such as starting to stream my game play, but who wants to see me? Who would take time to see my failings in game as well as my outbursts in real life? There is so much insecurity holding me back from trying anything even remotely close to something like that. Also my writing is still so much very lacking in my mind, that it is actually stopping me from writing. My Mr. Perfect is really going to town on that one I am afraid. There are few passages that will ever be good enough, but they have no significance or relevance to the story, which in my mind is cliche and should be improved upon at every single turn I can find. I am also looking at possible other job avenues, due to the fact that being a flex worker is just… much more stressful than I want it to be, I have to try and go out and ask for work… and that is so incredibly hard for me to achieve. The fact that I hear nothing from my employer for over a month is also not helping in the slightest.
All in all I am fighting, not sure against what or whom, but I am and I am losing hard and fast, at every turn. So what can I do? Well for starters I can just try and put myself out there, I can try and open this all up to the people who really matter in my life, the ones that I call family. It will hurt them to no end, but maybe it will give them some insight in how I am dealing with the monster that is called depression. I will probably forever be battling this foe in one form or another and quite frankly, I cannot do it alone. Though to pass this burden on them as well is something I find very hard to do, especially seeing the troubles that are in the family as is. Now I am not saying that I have any issues other than my own with my parents or my brother (and his wife), rather more the extended family of aunts and uncles and how they go about treating each other and their respective families. Talking only about money issues when their father is still alive is probably one of the worst things as of late. I hate them, for their lack of respect, for their lack of empathy and their self righteousness. Of course they are the victim of a crime that happened 20 or so years ago because they did not receive a handshake on a funeral, or even be omitted an ice-cream when they were 12. The trifling matters that baffle me to no end apparently give way to endless bigotry and victim-hood upon my uncles and aunt. And I cannot understand how, when they are so alike their parents, they can be so vindictive towards them, well, there is only the father remaining, but the result is still the same.
And so it was my fathers birthday last week, I had no energy to go out, I was wallowing in self pity and I was just caught up in… anything but being festive, so I lied about being ill, like I usually do. I managed to get a message out to congratulate him, but that too was shoved in my face as not being very nice a thing to do. Another thought shattered. Another thing I can hurt myself with. It feels to me like I am inventing things to make me look like a victim, just like my uncle is doing and in doing so pulling people with me into believing my sad sad tale. I hate me, for what I do, what I fail to do and who and what I neglect to do. But what is the point of this post? Is it me being all ‘look at me being sad’ or is it something else, is it me realising that I have to face my fears, that I have to try and fight harder and incorporate my family, trust them enough to have more of an impact on my life, or will that just burden them more with my shortcomings. I am really struggling to find an answer, especially after the last time I let someone in on my inner world, it got shot down and was misunderstood. The opposite of what I wanted to achieve was the result of my sharing, so I am clearly a lot more hesitant.
Should I reach out or not? That is the question and am I prepared to face the lash back of my deceit over the last years? Can I cope with that? I know for a fact that I am no longer bound by the fear of having my lost love reading my thoughts and fears any more. She might read them and that is fine, I invited her to see anyway, but it is not holding me back anymore. I guess that is a victory. Not a fun one though, I much rather have had things differently, but that ship has long since sailed. I should look forward and not back all the time. I made mistakes, now i have to try and learn from them, hopefully I can do so with the support of my family, but getting them involved with this might still be a bridge too far. Time will tell if I can and will open this up.
My surface seems ever so still like a great undisturbed lake the murky depths of my soul and the reflection of hope above but there is a current forming from the ripples you left behind.
I look over the horizon into the far distance my dreams my desires they await me so far away How I long to shorten it to traverse the distance but I am always one step behind so they will always remain far away.
Sleeplessly I eye the screen in front of me the while light I lack so much in my life Soundlessly I exist the void inside of me the throbbing pain the enveloping strife But I am alive I do persist I can go on I may exist Just have to take care of me and my dreams and to not give in to the silent screams.
This is the voice you represent in me the voice that shouts sometimes whispers sometimes lingers but always persists the voice that makes me wonder that makes me shiver and makes me want to forget But to forget is not an option to forget is a most heinous crime to not hear the voice that plays me betrays me the voice that haunts me taunts me every day when I am awake in my slumber The voice of so called reason the voice that changed the voice that breaks jagged edges cutting deeply leaving scars wherever it goes lacerating But that is just what I deserve, or so the voice says the voice that plays me betrays me the voice that haunts me taunts me every time when I think things are looking up Why did you become this voice? what caused this to occur, was it really my fault that I feel like I feel I feel played I feel betrayed makes me feel I am haunted I am taunted into believing the lies I told myself all over again.