Then there was you

Then there was you
The memory remains
the song in my heart
I am on a journey
but have yet to depart

The soft air thickened
every time I heard your voice
the words came out staggering
they left me no choice

Racing emotions
which surge through my mind
the feelings I get
to which I am inclined

To admit that I do
to say the words you needed to hear
to feel my pulsating heartbeat
whenever you were near.

 

It Works

It Works
Near slumber
my muscles remember
the day of toils
the aches of the hours
the mind recants
all the mistakes made
tiredness falls over me
but this night will be quiet
lets hope the dreams
will follow the same line
so I wake up rested
and not still running.

Apart

Apart
I thought of you today
more than a lot
In my mind we intertwined
we hugged and embraced

I missed the scent of your hair
the touch of your skin
and as I lingered in thought
a pain was replaced

The words I never could
the sounds that never were
they will never make it to you
they will never fill your heart

I pushed you away so harshly
never giving you a goodbye
I remembered all of you today
hating us being apart.

Bring it on!

Bring it on!

I feel empowered, stronger and I sort of am at ease with what and who I have become, this fleeting feeling, which it usually is, has now lingered for several hours, several hours longer than it used to. I feel at ease with who I am and this moment in itself I want to just capture, if only on paper. I have reached out to people, I have made sure that appointments have been rescheduled and I am in the process of sorting through some of the mess inside my head, I feel as if I am worth fighting for.

Not often do I feel like this, not often I think I am worth anything, but at this point, in danger of being called arrogant, I like myself and I am bloody brilliant as a person. I listen, help, give advice, work hard, am thoughtful, open and honest (maybe a bit too much of late, but hey!). I think I am worthy of attention, and even though I detest being in the spotlight, it may be a good thing for a while. Let me be relaxed, free and fearless. Let me feel the highs for a change.

I can hear my inner critic protesting at every word I write, all the small mistakes, all the errors and all the confusion I have made, experienced and influenced. They all matter, but do not dampen my spirit. I am not fighting the critic, I am letting it speak, but never out of turn, now it is mine. I actually sang again, because I wanted to, I hope I did not split any eardrums though of anyone who was near enough to hear it, but I enjoyed it, it lightened my mood and I feel lighter. I even saw a sparkle in my eyes earlier in the mirror.

And the most fun part of it all is that NOTHING SPECIAL happened, it is just another day, working, talking to people, just being me, just doing my standard things… but I am doing them and it feels good. My mind seems to have found a gear in which I can worry, comment and criticize internally while also remaining productive and positive in general. It seems that I have found a switch that makes me feel better, good even and not at the expense of my health either.

I am counting my blessings, I am relishing the sunlight, I am enjoying the smell of freshly ground coffee beans, I enjoy life. I cannot find the one thing that made me feel this way and quite frankly I do not really care to find it as I am having too much pleasure not feeling the dark pressing harshly on my reality. I also notice I am not fearful for it returning either, if it comes it will, if not then it won’t. I notice myself smiling from time to time, dancing a bit when listening to music and well… this is a feeling I have not had in a long long time. Life feels good and I hope I can feel like this for a long time to come.

Bring it on!

Precipice

Precipice
Head like a brick
walking onto the ledge
where I have stood 
before in darker times

Now I stand here
working
being tempted still
but this time I'm not alone

I am scared
fascinated
silently longing
but not taking the plunge

I am working
and not just for coin
at this time 
I am working to better myself.

A Toast

A Toast
I raise a toast

to the last

of my sanity

that it may

go down 

in the wake of

my inebriated 

mind being consumed

Let it flee

let it run

let it try to find a 

safe haven

in the bays of my despair

let it drown

in the depths

of my fears

over which now

richly flows

the sweet embrace

of alcohol.

 

Detrimental Alcohol Abuse

Detrimental Alcohol Abuse

Having worked for a few days and been sort of busy for the rest I have had not really found any time to just sit down and write a blog post, is this a good or a bad thing? I am unsure of this at this time, but it annoys the heck out of me. What makes it harder for me to write when I am feeling better, what makes it hard to tell about my good feelings? Or have I drowned the positive effects of the work week with an abundant amount of alcohol which has dulled my senses and made me sort of drift off into a limbo where I am not sure whether or not I am happy.

But yes, I have been working again and the effect of me being actually valuable outside of my cocoon of hopelessness is rewarding. I have done myself proud and worked for what I think I was worth at the time. Not that it is enough, but it is a start. I talked to people, been around new situations and have handled them reasonably well, I can start working again tomorrow. So all in all I am leaving the right impression. I can keep working, I have income, I have some sort of meaning. However, the big issue now is… I have a new place to work, but it is at a bridge… one I was planning to use if all went to hell. Now I get to work near there, or maybe even underneath it… this is pretty confronting to say the least.

A part of me likes this as I get to scout it out even better, giving me more information on where to go and so forth, but a part of me hates it, truthfully, sincerely and with a lot of passion. The worrying thing for me is that I welcome both feelings. And both have their disadvantages laid out to me in my mind repeatedly, the contradiction is also explained repeatedly as that really messes with me. So I grab a bottle, one after another. I drink a crate of beer… and not even bat an eyelid, I scare myself and I wonder why and how I am not succumbed by the effects of the alcohol at this point.

I am hiding… I know not truly from what though. I am working, I am being productive, I deserve a break, I deserve being happy, but why am I drowning myself with alcohol again? What feeling am I trying to avoid? Am I scared, well yes, but I am not avoiding that… Am I something else? Damn… I just don’t know or I really do not want to know. Why is feeling so damned hard?

I feel like I am back to where it started, where I fled, where I gave up, just before then… I drank as if it was my last resort… am I doing so again? Am I preparing for another fall? I am worried, confused and unsure…

And I have no idea how or what I feel as that is hidden behind the ruse of alcohol. ARGH, how I hate myself sometimes!