And so I sit in the darkest corners of my mind peering into the darkness I cling to fearful of the light that searches that brings hope and release but this pain is familiar I know what it can and will do and I am scared for the torment that another path will subject me to.
Today I have had an appointment to see what kind of help I could benefit the most with, now I have been very anxious about this for a long time, but I addressed it with my last doctors appointment where I just indicated that my emotions were flaring up at bad times, where my mood was spiralling downwards and old habits resurfaced. This time I was the one who said ‘This is not right, I have to do something before it is too late’. Now usually I’d forego that as I deem myself of far lesser importance than anyone else and me admitting that I am in need of help was something that just never really should rear up again, however, I now have made that first step, again. I feel like I should feel good about this, but I clearly do not… Why is not really known to me at this time, but I am also not sure if it is important for me to find out exactly. Maybe I just need help now, dealing with the past, building towards a future and not be weighed down by the burdens I decided to carry with me.
Does this mean that I have to go back to group therapy sessions, or does it mean that I am going to be medicated… Frankly, both seem scary, both seem hard to combine with my work schedule, both seem hard to sell to my family. I am seeing trouble at every turn, I feel I sabotage any attempt before I even started with making them. The complexity of the issues I deal with are perhaps not very difficult to comprehend, but I am not very open about my feelings, always pushing them down, always avoiding them, that save for one emotion I just cannot ever stop. That one, however, is not one I am struggling with at this time. It is not what holds me back, it is not that which makes me insecure.
Why is it so hard to see my own issues and problems with clarity, where solutions or insights are something I can give myself. Not second guessing everything, not diminishing the good I have done and inflate the bad. Why do I see only the negative when I reflect on my life? Why do I only find the good in others? Why does my mind go to very dark places, why do I only sometimes dare to get out of the shell I reside in and make a joke, where does my confidence come from when I am in a new group of people. Why do I have a strong voice and lead in those situations, but when it comes to me, not a group, I tend to cave… I tend to fall apart. I do not mediate between my positive thoughts and the negative, I do not lead by example, or maybe that is exactly what I am doing and generally just think of my own well-being as of lesser importance, as I just seem to not be able to get through a day without the negativity.
I am so tired of spinning this old worn out record again and again, going through the same motions, being not half whom I could or should be. And certainly not a person I want to be. Missed opportunities and fumbled chances always on loop in my mind, my inner demons regurgitate the same dulling hymns of them, resonating in every part of my being. I feel like a failure, I feel I am full of wasted potential. I did not waste it, nature wasted it on me and I am unable to even put it to some good use.
I guess I am trying to open that can of worms, take the leap and see where this door leads me. Either way I am going somewhere and not staying at this spot, so there is progress I guess.
I have no words to give I have no faith in a world without knowing there is more than just this more than just existing for the sake of it I know that you have unspoken decrees about me and unfulfilled wishes coinciding I just hope that my tears are not wasted not this time at least.
My heart stopped eyes sore pain of not being yesterday not able to grow beyond the failures I was already broken alone and robbed It was not 'my day' and I fear it never will be.
My heart is still open shattered and broken I still hurt and stumble over insecurities but I need you like I always have and I want to be all you need even if it kills me.
Trying to describe my feelings now is as impossible as attempting to read my writing on paper with a white pencil the words are there but they will never reach you.