It was a rather sunny morning, I got up early as I normally did, having had a great dream about playing football and winning a cup of some sorts. The red bright numbers on my alarm clock said a welcoming 7:45. It was Saturday, and I was going to go and have an adventure today. We were going to the beach with a few friends, so I had packed a bag with a large towel, my walk-man and some tapes of my favourite music, some money and snacks. I remember smiling at the cat playing with the handles of my bag while I at my breakfast and told my parents about all the things I was going to do. Their eyes kind, but thinking about something else clearly. I cared little for it at the time as this was going to be a great day.
The sand was warm after a small trek by bike of about half an hour. We were with the four of us and one of my friends brought a ball, it wasn’t long before we were chasing it, and each other, up and down the beach, often also venturing into the water. It was a great day, the water was cool, but not too cold, we laughed and had fun and we bought ice-cream. There were but a few small clouds dotted along the otherwise blue sky and boats were slowly moving along the river, there was hardly any wind and the smell of sun lotion was lingering everywhere we went. I remember it well.
We then decided that we should head out into the local camp site as there was an entertainment hall, the so called ‘fun house’. There were arcades there and we all had some money saved up by sharing our money on the ice and snacks we all brought. We played airhockey and some mortal kombat, when I was addressed by a girl I knew to be several years my senior, but she did not seem to notice. We talked a bit, but because there was a bit of a language barrier it was a bit hard to really talk, so we kept it to the ‘Hi, how are you and where are you from?‘
I remember her eyes quickly glancing at mine as she thought I was not looking and turning a bit red when I looked back, I knew not what this meant or what it was, but there was some sort of a connection I could feel. She smiled a lot as well and nodded a lot as she tried to understand what I said. My friends were busy playing some more mortal kombat and I was asked to join her as she had another game she wanted to play, just with me. I nodded and looked back at the three friends still engulfed in their match-up. They never saw me leave.
We walked for a while and about halfway she gently took my hand, her palms were a bit sweaty and her pupils were larger than before. This I found odd at the time, but knew not what to say or ask about it. When we arrived at their holiday home she pulled me with her into the back, as if she did not want to be seen. She muttered a few words that I could not understand at the time, but now still echo in my memories. ‘I like you, I care not what my parents think, want to do something special with me?‘ She then quickly planted her lips on mine without waiting for an answer and pushed me slowly backwards onto the bed, which I can only assume was hers as it was a single. Clumsily I fell backwards and made her giggle, but I felt dazed, not sure what to do or what to expect. In an instant she pulled her shirt over her head and her half long auburn hair playfully bounced around her beaming face, her grin was intoxicating. She cuddled up to me again and kept kissing, not giving me a moment to really understand what was going on. I have had some girlfriends before and had kissed them as well, but this felt different… This was more intense, more aggressive in a way.
The next hour and a half felt like an eternity, she undressed herself and me. I was touched in a way I never experienced before and my body reacted like it was supposed to, biologically speaking. Her breathing got heavier and she was obviously a bit nervous as she pushed me back onto the bed and started to straddle me. A small yelp escaped her as we interlinked and she had her way with me… I had no idea what was going on, no idea what to do or expect… I was twelve, I could not know. Slowly I began to feel this was not right and asked her to stop, asked her to let me go, but she either did not understand me or did not want to, so I tried to move away. She smiled at this and probably thought I was playing with her and she playfully put a finger to my lips in order to calm me down a bit. She grabbed my wrists and softly laid em over my head on the pillow near the headboard. She then swiftly grabbed a belt and wrapped it around my wrists and the steel bar of the bed and held it in one hand keeping in tight enough for me not to be able to wriggle loose.
She then continued to grind, enjoying herself and I felt more and more helpless, more and more a feeling of dread overcame me, even though my body acted on it’s own behalf. By the time she was nearly done with me I felt a tear running down my face, grazing my ear and I started shuddering, feeling cold and wrong. She did not relent, however, and began to get a bit angry at me. She did smile as I convulsed as I came, clearly happy with her efforts and she dismounted me while grabbing a towel from the drawers next to the bed. ‘Your first time?‘ She asked, but I did not know what or how to respond. ‘Don’t worry, it was good.‘ she called out from the bathroom as the shower started to pour warm water onto her sweaty body and steam filled the small bathroom. I was thrown a hand towel as well and ordered to clean myself up. After the short shower I quickly got dressed and felt my heart tense up every time I made eye contact with her. I could not really utter a word any more and nodded as she told me that her parents could get home any time soon and they were going to have dinner. I did not get much of it at the time, but I recalled this afternoon many times since then. I walked out with her behind me, she turned me around gave me a kiss and a wink while she held a finger to her lips making sure I kept this quiet. I nodded weakly and she turned back inside and closed the door behind her.
‘What just happened? How… I… No, this is not real. What?!?‘ I asked myself as I walked in a daze back to my bike, hoping to see my friends still at the arcade machine. Sadly they were gone already, or maybe it was better this way… I rode home and felt an overwhelming need to cry like I had never felt before. I drove to a quiet wooded area and sat down and cried until my head hurt, my hands and knees stopped trembling and I physically could not produce any more tears. Emotions flushed through my system, left and right, sadness, confusion, fear, anger, and I am very ashamed to say I also felt somewhat pride, I also felt happiness. A thought that chills me to the bone even now.
As I tried to make myself a bit more presentable and went home the thought of the girl ushering me to keep quiet gained ground, the pressure my parents had at home was straining enough on them as it was. And I would probably be in a lot of trouble for what I did. I decided to keep it to myself, not wanting to burden my family with something that was rather natural, even if it made me feel incredibly dirty and violated. These statements were not the ones I would have used back then, this is me reflecting on my feelings then. When I came home I was not hungry and said I was rather tired, so I went to bed and I faked being sick for the next three days. But there was this feeling I could not shake, it replayed over and over in my dreams, sometimes it still does. It made me fearful and angry, made me feel outside of the norm. Even more than I already did.