Burning

Burning

Old poems tend to have a way to make their way back to my conscience. This is another I have written in the past which, sadly, still holds relevance today.

Like a twirling flame, 
skimming across the wood; 
Burning away the memories, 
I wouldn't stop it if I could. 

Feeling numb from limb to limb, 
too down to breathe the air; 
Thickening with smoke, 
I cling to what seems fair. 

The flames now dance upon my skin, 
eating flesh away from me; 
My time has come now, 
I must cease to be.

Salvage

Salvage
I lack the words
that need to be said
I fear my silence
for what it implies

as it ever gets
misunderstood for disrespect
and under that scrutiny
I tend to fall apart

swallow my words
and all of my pride
collapse under the weight
the pressure I build up

until there is nothing
that even I want to salvage.

Fear

Fear

I recently found this old poem of mine, while skimming through old notebooks and organisers. I think it does hold true to some extent.

From the depth of my mind springs forth 
a dark shadow that darkens my path, 
that clouds my judgements and terrors me to a halt. 

Not to advance any further, 
frozen in time, 
etched in the very core of my being, 
haunting me for the rest of my short lived life. 

Carefully waiting, 
looking, hoping; 
this will not happen to me, not now, not at any time, 
I will endure and survive, 
but why does it still creep up on me? 

I carry it with me, I hold on to it, 
for it is proof that I am merely a man of flesh, 
one with a healthy portion of fear.

Damn my eyes

Damn my eyes

Disclaimer:

If you are easily triggered by everything the image above entails, please do not read any more. I really do not want to add to your toils. Thanks.

—-

I just broke down and cried… just one picture, just one quote… and I just crumbled into a pile of sobs and pain. A thought that haunts me daily, every day I wake up, every day I lay down in bed to go to sleep, one thought is persistent, all consuming and gut wrenching. And today… I see it in a quote while skimming through pictures to possibly use for another post. My heart feel heavy, my soul screams out and I really do not want to think about what other thoughts keep popping up in my mind right now…

I have had a tough day at work where I mostly was addressed on my weight, which tends to nudge me into the direction of self harm mostly, but I do laugh it off, make sure they know it means nothing to me and then destroy myself at home about it. Already feeling a bit shaky to begin with I bought a few bottles of wine, which are going down fast. Trying to drown the feelings, escape them through alcohol, but in the morning I’ll reinvent ways to hate myself for drinking… The cycle never really stops, or so it seems.

I feel strongly about death, I long for it, I’ve tried to take mine many times. Sadly I have to admit I am highly resistant to poisons, which made me have some stomach issues over the last decades and I apparently am able to get out of even the most intricate contraptions while asleep with bags over my head. I have tried injecting air into my bloodstream, but have been unsuccessful in killing myself with it. I guess I suck at killing myself, perhaps that is why I feel so strongly about the quote above. Pills do not work, suffocating myself does not seem to grant me results, I have the option of jumping off a bridge, the tide will pull me under and away. No one will ever find me. I can drain myself with a syringe leaving a relatively peaceful corpse. Mainly I do not want the one who does find me (most likely my parents) to see me in agony, but at relative peace.

I have a note ready, I have many things I want to say to many many people, which I probably will, but for now I just cannot, I fail at even ending it all, something that too adds to my depression. I am really torn, lost, wanting so desperately to belong. I just cannot… I do not know fully where to go with this next… I am just really struggling right now I guess. And this probably is a cry for help, a cry for someone to notice me and say: ‘I know you can get through this, you are amazing, just the way you are’, or something along those lines.

Just struggling right now, fighting back tears with every sentence I write, sorry for the emotions… I cannot help it, but I feel I need to share…