I have been at a low, one I dare not describe. I have been at a crossroad, with several bad roads, none of them particularly appealing, but I think in silencing myself I did not only myself a disservice, but also everyone that has some sort of an interest in me, those who follow me, want me to be and feel better than I wish for myself. I apologise for this, but somehow this too feels hollow. I do not feel I can make up for this absence, other than give my openness a whole new twist and just soldiering on with my feelings, my bleeding heart onto the virtual canvas that is this blog. Maybe one day I dare put my name to it and to be frank, I have been really very close to doing so the last few days. But the time is not yet there… I do, however, feel that I am going to… sooner rather than later and this too is quite a huge step.
I feel like I am walking a like between salvation and destruction, but at this point my ‘high’ lets me believe the positive is the only possible outcome, while in a matter of hours the other side of me might convince me of the opposite. I hate the fact I am torn between those two very contrasting voices inside of me and that I exclude the people I should exclude least. I am sorry for being a shit friend, a shit partner to converse with, a shit human being and wallowing in self-pity . I am sorry, but no more am I going to try and hide myself behind a veil.
Today I showed my lifelong (and childhood) friend my blog, I am going to meet him again tomorrow for coffee/beer/whatever and hopefully continue where we left off a few years ago when I just got back from the UK. Somehow it always feels as if easing in a warm bath… always good, always comfortable, but knowing that someone I trust so much only can scratch at the surface of what I have been through and have been hiding for so long… it no longer felt like a good thing, it was more a burden… and I did no longer want to show him a mask of someone I am not, nor was at any point. I think I am close to do that for a lot more people, I feel I am ready to really open up and I feel stronger because of this. I am worth more than I have given myself credit for for all this time.
Next week I am going to see my brother at a festival/party and friends I have not seen since my college days, afterwards I’ll take a detour to meet up with a friend who needs a hug bad and I am more than happy to give her as many as she needs and then, hopefully a month of work and then… vacation for two whole weeks. Just relaxing in the Greek sun, trying to unwind, maybe rediscover more of who I would like to be. For now… I am positive, feeling good and wanting to progress. Willing to share me, the real me without a mask and just enjoy life, for as long as I may have it.
Thank you for being here, reading, commenting, trying to keep me up, not giving up even when I clearly have multiple times. I am humbled and hope to keep reading your stories while I keep on writing mine.