I am at times still a mess, I am at times doing better, I am at times doubting my every breath and cursing every thought that pops into my head. That said, I am moving onward, slowly but surely I am beginning to see cracks in the dark, I am beginning to experience personal space inside of my heart and mind, where I am allowed to be me, if only for a very short period of time. In these moments I am not overly critical of who I am, or whom I should have been all along. I am me and that is not something to continuously be ashamed of. I matter, I can be valuable, even if I am not perfect or infallible. This already is in stark contrast to how I viewed myself about a year ago, or even prior to that. Where I was not allowed to even have the slightest hints of a fault to my name, or I would lash out and scold myself internally for every time and every thing I have done wrong and would continue to do wrong. It is actually painful to think back to those thoughts, those feelings, emerging out of the shadow I cast over myself. I am not there yet, I know this and that, for now, is fine. All I know is that I am growing, not quick enough (obviously), but there is progress.
I am trying to keep people that I care about in the loop, yet I cannot bring myself to share this with my parents, I really do fear they might be extremely upset by some of the things I wrote here, I still fear the potential lash back of my brother reading this, the darkness that no doubt has shaken him as well. I feel ashamed, I feel as if I betrayed him by not sharing before and this only grows stronger when I think about my parents. Have I not hurt them enough, do I really need to add to their already staggering list of woes? Granted there never is, was or will be a perfect time to divulge all of this to those you claim to hold closest to you, the time just is not now I feel. I am not ready to take it that one step further. I also do not believe I should make it too public in either case, mainly due to some people possibly not understanding or not wanting to be ‘exposed’.
My life still has many secrets, most of which I have been sworn to keep to myself, never to share. I actually have displayed loyalty to people who have used me, stabbed me in the back and discarded me like old furniture. My own pride and morals just prevent me from going back on my word. But that in a way is a victory that only I can feel, that only I can treasure, so I keep holding on to that.
There have been many occasions where I have thought about giving up, where I have been at the brink, where I saw no other way out, but even in those dark days, I survived and just being here still has made me stronger than I possibly could have imagined with a syringe in my hands, crying in the shower, cursing my very existence. I feel more emotional as of late, where I tend to just break down, not because I cannot take it, but because I allow myself to cry, I cry not just because of my pain, but also for the injustice in the world. I know I cannot solve everything by just piling all those problems and pain onto my heap and struggle onwards, as if I were the only one to shoulder it and that that would be the way things should be. This pressure is the kind that took me to look for destructive outlets, other ways out, doubting myself if things went remotely well, as if I did not deserve it.
I still can bring smiles to peoples faces, I can still make them feel as if they matter, that I think they are worth something and that that something is pretty special. I want people to cherish who they are, I want to give them a perspective they have not found for themselves, but mainly I want them to see who I see when I read, when I look, when I hear… that person is amazing and most certainly deserves all the adoration they can get. Now if I were to try and say that in the mirror… well quite frankly, the idea alone frightens me, then those words lose all power to me, then it is but letters aligned in a manner that looks appealing, but does not get through the layers of cynical self reflection. I am not done deconstructing that part of myself, at least not in a way that is healthy or constructive at this time. My journey is far from over, I have a ways to go, but I do honestly feel that I am on a track that will lead me to where I would want to be in the future.