There is at least two big events coming up in the near future, those are post #100 and the 1st year anniversary of this blog being “active”. I notice myself having many opinions about both of these occasions and not all of them are good. I have really tried to not let my perfectionism get the better of me, not changing posts when I do see grammatical errors and structural mishaps, trying hard to not focus on the small details and just look at the broader picture of me being more open, even if it is only in a very anonymous format, yelling at a wall of unknown faces whom sometimes have something to say in return. I love the engage I do get from time to time, so many uplifting and kind remarks. Even if someone disagrees with my point of view, I really appreciate the feedback, I really like the connection it seems to make.
Now that post 100 is going to be coming up really really shortly (this is 98) I am really trying to figure out what it is going to be, is it going to be just a poem, is it me ranting about something I seem to be stuck with, or is it more something along the lines of a celebration (or lamentation if you will) of the steps I have taken. I’ve been remarkably more open than I thought I would be, which I believe to be a really really good thing, yet it also makes me feel more vulnerable in my daily life, seeing there are excerpts I do want to share with certain people, but not everything else. I am not ready to let them in this far, I do not want to give them the tools for my destruction, then again… I am more than capable enough to destroy myself in a heartbeat and need no outside help to achieve that. I guess, though, that this is the main reason I want this to not be out in the open just yet.
The very notion of me stating the “yet” there is something I have not really considered too often, save for a few select people in my surroundings, dear friends that I dare to open up to, that I dare share with. Strangely this still excludes my direct family, or well that is probably my way of shielding them from the torment I inflict upon myself and they might want to take some of the blame onto themselves for this, which is something I really wish to avoid at all costs. So in being dishonest to them more often than not, or intentionally vague, I am protecting them from the dark that is so deeply entrenched into my thoughts and daily life. That said, I do talk more, I am more open, though that comes and goes, I am less quiet in company, but when I am alone at home, I still tend to just cocoon, go into hermit modus and just sit in front of my PC and read, listen to music, play a game, or just aimlessly hop from random page to random page. Something I do tend to criticise myself for internally.
I am really good at going off on a tangent and derail what I actually wanted to write about. The several paragraphs I removed are a good example of this, which will most likely return in another post or in some other form altogether. But again, I digress. I think being vulnerable in a harsh world takes a lot of courage, and the filter you get from the internet, the anonymity is something that makes it all a lot easier to show. That all changes of course when people you see in your every day lives are subjected to this vulnerability. What are they going to do? Will they understand? Will they respect the boundaries you wish to keep in place and open up as well for a deeper connection? Or will they use this as a means to grief, bully and demean? Quite frankly I am rather scared of all the ammo I give those who wish to hurt me, for whatever reason. This keeps circling in my mind, echoing into nothingness and makes me feel like I am fooling everyone in my direct surroundings. It makes me feel insecure and I feel as if I am deceiving, being dishonest and flat out lie to my family and close friends.
What has all of this to do with the fact that I am close to 100 posts? Well quite simply that it is a point I had hoped to achieve faster and not at all at the same time. Let me elaborate on that a bit as it is something I have been struggling with quite a fair bit. I never thought I’d actually make the effort to get to the 100th post at all, my inner critic always hammering on my every mistake, which I leave in intentionally, just to piss it off to no end. It does raise the bar each and every time though, makes my expectations soaring up and I actually feel rather down when I feel I am misunderstood. Not every one will agree with me, not every one will have my perspective, even if I do give a glimpse of mine. The truth is a myth, as there are only points of view… perspectives, each war will be fought with people on both sides thinking they have just reasons to do so, no one is evil in their intentions, well aside from certain individuals who really just want to see the world burn and who take pleasure in the misfortune of others. That said, there will always be a counter opinion to everything I say and do, most of them are already internal, some external as well. Quite frankly, writing all this, makes me feel somewhat vulnerable, I actually write about my fears, my pains and my joy. And this fuels a lot of… issues, feelings, things I have been hiding. I fear I am not worth the time or effort mostly, I still wake up with death on my mind, another reason I did not expect to make it this far. I have repeat dreams of the past, but now from a different perspective, which is weird. These are very dark as well, makes me wake bathing in sweat or feel like I have been crying my eyes out.
Again, I am going in circles, I keep repeating the same things, avoiding the point I really aught to make. I am afraid to change, either for the better or for worse. This bubble I made feels familiar, somehow safe, a place I have resided for most of my life, so this must be it, right? Why would I want to change this? Should I even? But I am miserable, I feel worthless and ready to give up at any moment, I am not good enough, but I would love to feel I belong, like I am worth it, like I have a part still to play in the world, however insignificant this might be. But I am afraid to change, on paper I can, in life… I freeze, I lock up and go silent. Yet I feel I am getting closer with each fear I post, with each step I take….
So close, to a better today and a hopeful tomorrow.