I am on the verge of allowing some of the closest people in my life to experience that which has chained me for so long through my writing, I am still very hesitant, still very fearful of a negative impact, or even rejection. However irrational that fear might be, I mean he’s not going to stop being my brother, he is not going to stop being one of the more influential people in my life, but I might end up missing him even more… If this does not work out the way I hope it will. Also this means I open up a lot of things to a group of people that might look differently to me and my issues, maybe even close the door completely on any reconnect that might, or might not, have happened otherwise.
Does this make me a coward? What does it say about me that I am so extremely reluctant to write and talk to the people I know the best, who know me very well as well. I mean it is likely not going to be a surprise, but being confronted with my point of view, or any view that may challenge the image one has of you, that might cause a rift. I really feel anxious about being potentially rejected or ridiculed, but then a rational voice in me says that if it does cause a rift, or rejection, at least that is confirmation that these people are not really meant to be in my life to begin with. All that would then happen is me losing another piece of trust in the people I thought I could trust. This means that despite it being very constructive in some ways, it may throw me back into hiding once again.
I have a lot of love for my little family, my parents are great, even if they sometimes have not been able to cope with me and my issues, they have done the best they could and never have given up on me. I love them both immensely and they are for me the blueprint of what being a parent is all about, much like many children will likely say about their parents (I say likely, because I am not other children of other parents, so I can hardly speak for them). For me they are a reminder of how great it must be to a parent and my desire to be one derives from that. My brother, well he is really something else. He’s someone I have protected, someone I followed, someone I deeply care for. Even though he is older than I am, I was the one running after his bullies, who sometimes were 3 years older than I was, I was the one who’d jump into the fire, I sought trouble, because he is my brother and he is more of a pacifist, more patient, more gentle than I am, or ever will be. And maybe it is because of this, because I feel like I am protecting him from me, my demons, my issues, my darkness, that I have such reluctance to show him. On the other hand I feel as if he already sees all the cracks in my masks, already knows of the pain I carry and is aware, more than anyone, that I try to deceive the world into thinking I am fine.
I have not yet set a message in my phone, I have not really taken steps, other than this post, to include him. I feel that I should, I feel I want to, but I am fearful, afraid of what it might do, or might not do all together. I am really at an impasse right now…