I will not hurt you, I do not have the means or capacity to harm you. All I can give you is me, unchanging, broken in all my glory. I am what I am; and you are allowed to see it all.
I spoke these words to a friend today, one I am lucky enough to be able to have such a connection with. Not sure on how to continue to elaborate on this I sit here now pondering my next course of action. The words I expressed have meaning, they are true, but now what? Does it change who I am or how I perceive me? No of course not. I am still the failure I was prior to the comment, prior to me being noble and kind. That is what my voices tell me, on repeat. I hate them, every curse just a little bit more, yet I lack the strength to combat them. I just barely have enough to jot them down.
Do I defeat myself again before I dare to accept a victory on my negative self image? I suppose that is the gist of it, that is the core. So pulling out another bottle of the crate and taking a swig, drowning the upcoming doubt and self hate, hoping against hope that this time I will be successful in killing them, poisoning them, letting them suffer for a change. I know that this hope is in vain. I know that the only one that will suffer the consequence is me, and only me. But does that mean I have to be content with that which I allow myself to be? Hell no!
I feel empowered by the thoughts of others that appreciate my input, that look forward to whatever I may construct, however flawed my inner critic thinks it is. However shallow and limited the voices will admit that I am doing okay, still nitpicking at the fine print. The disclaimer on my life, which has many many clauses and not all of them are known to me at this time, as it seems to ever expand, becomes more complex at every turn I make for the better. I really hope that one day I can have some peace and quiet, even if it is for only 5 minutes. I am tired of fighting myself and those voices. I want people to see me, as I really am, in all my flawed states, in my most vulnerable forms. That does require a very high amount of trust, one I am not certain that many people in my direct surroundings are accustomed to, or should be privy to to begin with.
While I do not want to come off as a snob or a know-it-all, the average intellect of the people in my area is not very high to say the least, not that they are stupid, just on a very different level than I operate at. That sounds so wrong in so many ways… geez, I am such a dork and I am so elitist about my mental prowess. Most of the time ‘I’ am the idiot, not anyone else. That said I do tend to think more often and more deeply about things, scenario’s and events than any of the people in my village. Taking into account all the possible outcomes and their solutions as well as the problems that may arise from there on end. I tend to make things far more complicated than they should be, which in turn makes me very inactive on the outside. It hampers my ability to actually produce anything that can be quantified by any third party, regardless of what I am trying to achieve. So the current thoughts about me are that I am not very active nor productive and my opinion is not really awaited, nor welcomed. At least that is what I feel.
So what is so different for me in the ‘real’ world as opposed to me being there on paper? I guess the safety of the internet between us gives me enough privacy, give me enough distance to let you get close without letting you so near you can actually touch me. But how does this relate back to the first quote? That which I said to my dear friend? I guess you are privy to a similar look into my life, my thoughts, my broken glory, my jagged edges. I do not post everything, I have my secrets, but I am quite open for the most part. This in itself is a victory, one I can remind my Mr. Perfect about, that my imperfections are perfectly visible to everyone and not everyone condemns them as much as he does.