The wind blows in a direction that is favourable
I softly sail along the breeze
past the currents of the calm water
floating towards a new haven
a new paradise

Lately I have been feeling very good indeed, I have been on cloud nine and people have commented more than once that I seem so much more alive, much happier and literally glowing. This is all a culmination of a lot of different factors in my life. Most evident is the return of someone I had not dared to dream about ever seeing again, let alone be on speaking terms with. I was certain I had pushed hard enough and burned all bridges and damaged the relationship beyond all repair. It is safe to say that I was unsuccessful in getting her out of my life, because I kept holding on to her, and she clearly held on to me.

But if I only credit this one fact I am selling myself short, and the feelings I have had about me would be deemed null and void if I had not found this slice of happiness again. I have lost weight, I have been active and more talkative. I have been more open and I have been more of me… Honesty to myself and those around me has opened all kinds of avenues I thought long gone and forgotten by everyone. Also the mess inside of my head has been lessened, due to having a purpose again, structure and rhythm. I look into the reflection of myself and I am starting to see things to like, things I can feel proud of. Things I have accomplished, however trivial they may seem. I no longer just see the shadow I made myself believe I was, although that still lingers there and that is okay for the time being. That is a bridge I will cross at another time, but will probably never try to burn down as it is part of and it should have a place to exist, not being pushed away for it to fester and grow.

Allowing myself to be vulnerable, not controlling everything, doing things in a slightly different fashion, it all adds to me changing for the better. I have many things to be thankful for and even can thank myself for the things I have done right by me. It is not all doom and gloom and it actually never was, but that was the view I had, the scope I chose to see myself in. I still am a bit fearful that this too is just a different hue of coloured glasses through which I see myself, but then I think to myself that it is not such a bad thing to see things a bit more rosy.

I notice that I am less often ill, I sleep better and I am more active in and around the house. I like talking to people, but then again I always have. Just when in person I tend to be a bit silent still from time to time. I joke a lot more and have more fun. But how did this come about? Where did I change something to make all of this happen? Frankly I think it is a number of really small things, but then again… it could also be nothing at all. It just happened and the why is not the main question here. I just have this idea of a future again. I am beginning to be happy with me, quirks and all. And because of this I feel I am more capable of loving someone else.

I live outside of my mind now, not bound by fears and desperation, not holding back any longer. It will take time before I can do it effortlessly, but for now I manage. I have stopped thinking about living and I started to live again. This feeling is not something I can describe or capture in words… it just is, filling me with peace.

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2 thoughts on “Stop thinking

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