Perfection is what I strive for, what my aim is and what I can never seem to let go, not in anything I have ever done has this not been prevalent, or required, either by me or by my thoughts on what others expect of me. If I try to read a book, I have to not only memorise all the words from it by heart, but also see all the little intrinsic details the writer has left behind, trails of stories never answered, openings for exploration at a potential later time. When I write, it has to be not only infallibly correct in every sense of the word, both in grammar and structures, but also has to be inspirational, thought inducing, fun and educational all at the same time. The standards I give myself to live up to are so insanely high, it is even a miracle I got to spend many nights working on posts anyways, let alone be able to post 49 of them in a relatively short period of time.
But then the big 50 came, I thought I had let go of some of the anxiety of posting less than perfect posts, but 50 was and still is quite a big feat for me. And regardless of the delay… the standards have not dropped even in the slightest. Nothing less than perfection will ever be good enough and my level of perfection is unattainable (I sound like a broken record writing this, I have a strong opinion about that as well… and the circle continues)
Then again I will not overcome anything by just not starting, or not making the effort to actually start. As stated before, the words usually come at the time I do sit down for it. Though this has taken several rewrites already. I have other ideas and thoughts I want to publish and this one post is kind of holding me back. So this is another attempt at just trying to figure out what I want to write or explain by this post, however late it may be. This does mean I have to fight the urge of circling round and round the issue and talk just to be talking.
What is it that is really stopping me? Is it my expectations, is it my fear of rejection, or is it my inner critic who tells me it never will be good enough. Perhaps it is a combination of the three and then some. I am not perfect, and I probably never will be, but that is actually not such a bad thing… My life currently is heading in a direction that is truly making me happy, I have a job, talk to people around me a bit more and I generally feel better, which people around me also notice. There have been lows, very deep ones too prior to me feeling this way, since last post. I am, however, still here and I am looking forward, not to be perfect, but to be the best me I can be.