I feel empowered, stronger and I sort of am at ease with what and who I have become, this fleeting feeling, which it usually is, has now lingered for several hours, several hours longer than it used to. I feel at ease with who I am and this moment in itself I want to just capture, if only on paper. I have reached out to people, I have made sure that appointments have been rescheduled and I am in the process of sorting through some of the mess inside my head, I feel as if I am worth fighting for.
Not often do I feel like this, not often I think I am worth anything, but at this point, in danger of being called arrogant, I like myself and I am bloody brilliant as a person. I listen, help, give advice, work hard, am thoughtful, open and honest (maybe a bit too much of late, but hey!). I think I am worthy of attention, and even though I detest being in the spotlight, it may be a good thing for a while. Let me be relaxed, free and fearless. Let me feel the highs for a change.
I can hear my inner critic protesting at every word I write, all the small mistakes, all the errors and all the confusion I have made, experienced and influenced. They all matter, but do not dampen my spirit. I am not fighting the critic, I am letting it speak, but never out of turn, now it is mine. I actually sang again, because I wanted to, I hope I did not split any eardrums though of anyone who was near enough to hear it, but I enjoyed it, it lightened my mood and I feel lighter. I even saw a sparkle in my eyes earlier in the mirror.
And the most fun part of it all is that NOTHING SPECIAL happened, it is just another day, working, talking to people, just being me, just doing my standard things… but I am doing them and it feels good. My mind seems to have found a gear in which I can worry, comment and criticize internally while also remaining productive and positive in general. It seems that I have found a switch that makes me feel better, good even and not at the expense of my health either.
I am counting my blessings, I am relishing the sunlight, I am enjoying the smell of freshly ground coffee beans, I enjoy life. I cannot find the one thing that made me feel this way and quite frankly I do not really care to find it as I am having too much pleasure not feeling the dark pressing harshly on my reality. I also notice I am not fearful for it returning either, if it comes it will, if not then it won’t. I notice myself smiling from time to time, dancing a bit when listening to music and well… this is a feeling I have not had in a long long time. Life feels good and I hope I can feel like this for a long time to come.
Bring it on!