Having worked for a few days and been sort of busy for the rest I have had not really found any time to just sit down and write a blog post, is this a good or a bad thing? I am unsure of this at this time, but it annoys the heck out of me. What makes it harder for me to write when I am feeling better, what makes it hard to tell about my good feelings? Or have I drowned the positive effects of the work week with an abundant amount of alcohol which has dulled my senses and made me sort of drift off into a limbo where I am not sure whether or not I am happy.
But yes, I have been working again and the effect of me being actually valuable outside of my cocoon of hopelessness is rewarding. I have done myself proud and worked for what I think I was worth at the time. Not that it is enough, but it is a start. I talked to people, been around new situations and have handled them reasonably well, I can start working again tomorrow. So all in all I am leaving the right impression. I can keep working, I have income, I have some sort of meaning. However, the big issue now is… I have a new place to work, but it is at a bridge… one I was planning to use if all went to hell. Now I get to work near there, or maybe even underneath it… this is pretty confronting to say the least.
A part of me likes this as I get to scout it out even better, giving me more information on where to go and so forth, but a part of me hates it, truthfully, sincerely and with a lot of passion. The worrying thing for me is that I welcome both feelings. And both have their disadvantages laid out to me in my mind repeatedly, the contradiction is also explained repeatedly as that really messes with me. So I grab a bottle, one after another. I drink a crate of beer… and not even bat an eyelid, I scare myself and I wonder why and how I am not succumbed by the effects of the alcohol at this point.
I am hiding… I know not truly from what though. I am working, I am being productive, I deserve a break, I deserve being happy, but why am I drowning myself with alcohol again? What feeling am I trying to avoid? Am I scared, well yes, but I am not avoiding that… Am I something else? Damn… I just don’t know or I really do not want to know. Why is feeling so damned hard?
I feel like I am back to where it started, where I fled, where I gave up, just before then… I drank as if it was my last resort… am I doing so again? Am I preparing for another fall? I am worried, confused and unsure…
And I have no idea how or what I feel as that is hidden behind the ruse of alcohol. ARGH, how I hate myself sometimes!