I managed to turn this whole weekend on its head, the amount of alcohol I consumed just to numb the feelings of self-loathing and general apathy towards myself and everything around me, is rather noteworthy to say the least. Which in turn means I have to use the greater part of the Sunday to ‘fix’ my chemical imbalance in my body. I poison myself and I curse myself for it. Add to that a very warm weekend where I just mostly stay inside, looking at a screen, in a small room that seems to be the only place I am currently existing.
And even when I think everything in my cocoon of safety goes well, life, or in this case, the game kicks me in the teeth. I suffered heavy losses, a lot of work and effort, down the drain, yet instead of wallowing in my sorrow and despair, I sort of manage to shrug it off and pick up the pieces. I get help from people trying to get me back on track and this does make me feel good, however, things keep on going wrong, mistakes I make, mistakes others make… It all adds up, even to the point where I lose my most prized possessions. And I notice myself getting more and more annoyed and emotional over something I have little control over, but a little seems to feel like a lot more than having none at all.
It seems as if I will not get what I aspire to achieve and get, I lose not only everything in life, but it now too affects my online life, my online world, the bubble I thought was safe from this kind of abuse. The abuse I inflict upon myself that is. Every mistakes should be penalised to the highest punishments, every time I do anything less than correct, such as failing to score an equaliser, it makes me feel angry, frustrated and just simply quite deflated. I hit the goalpost with enough force to tear some of the skin off of my knuckles and that is only the start.
I am not even a shadow of the person I thought I was or wanted to be. I just hop from failure to failure and I really feel like just giving it all up, I seem to be unable to face the fear of feeling, no release, no stress relief, but firmly locked away behind the bars of the prison I built for myself, the insecurities that have locked and secured it and my fear being a perfect guard dog. I am fearful of my fear, which in turn I ridicule to myself and then that turns itself on me. So I drank a lot, to not notice I am not involved in any conversation, to forget I am alone, to forget no one really gets me, no one seems to really care.
I am losing myself, bit by bit, step by step and it frightens me, as I am not sure what comes out on the other end. Will I be a wreck and will that be better or worse than I am now, or will I manage to pull myself up and try to grasp that bit of success other people talk about and yet only those who seeming are not deserving of such praise. I compare myself to others and my past and always I am worse off now. I am slowly spiralling out of control again… and I am afraid.