Well this is kind of a hard thing to ponder upon for me, as I have been actively been trying to suppress most of my feelings for a very long time. I have been trying actively to numb it all, push it aside and let it stay locked up, fearful of the uncontrolled things they may inflict onto me or others. Though this is exactly what my therapist wants me to explore and experience. Being mindful about what I feel is a small, but vital first step. And it seems to me that it is going to be a very big struggle to even acknowledge the slightest emotion or feeling. I critically analyse everything into the minutest of details and I often try to control the conversations I do have by sort of knowing what they want to hear or want to be asked. I am generally good at steering these kinds of things.

But now I am trying to be honest, truthful and not shy away from hardships, this is also something that annoys the living daylight out of me. I cannot keep my head on track from time to time, I manage to get lost in an emotion. I tend to try and control it immediately, rationalise it, but all in all I am just so fearful of feeling in general. The only emotion I have been able to allow in my life has been love, but that is mainly because I need it more than the others it seems and because it is way too strong to be contained. So instead of fighting it, I embraced it. Love has made me do weird things, has hurt me, has left me all alone and broken, but still I give my all to it, every single time.

Why is that? Why can I do it for that one aspect of my emotions and why not for all the others? Why do I put them on a leash, why do I shove them in a box in the attic or cellar? It makes it really hard to determine how I feel about things, how I look upon the world, which set of glasses I tend to wear when looking around. This also infringes with me being a ‘strong and independent’ person as I will not raise my voice to fight for what is best for me and just suffer in silence, let it happen. The anger I had as a child I have subdued completely, as I really fear for someone’s life should I ever let it go, but that was the last bit of my feelings that came through, that made me active about my feelings.

The panic attacks and hyperventilation I have had because of these emotions being subdued made me even more fearful of them and made me shove them further away, I stopped caring about me, I tried several things to ‘fix’ the issue, but none really worked. Alcohol was not a good idea and only made certain things worse. Being the clown and making the most fun, trying to have a laugh with everyone and just being the one people can have a good time with were the biggest masks I have had and the ones I used to keep up for the longest of times.

But how do I feel? How do I determine how to feel? What is it that I want to feel? I cannot control my feelings, not in the way I would like to, I notice (or try to anyway) my growing unease about the lack of control over them. Do I want to cry, do I want to be angry? Do I want to laugh, or do I want to because I think I should? I am conflicted, trying to notice all the small changes, still analysing, still trying to process it all and guide it along a path my mind is comfortable with. I am internally in turmoil and it makes me tired, it makes me want to curl up and hide. I sleep a lot, I shiver sometimes, I am exploring and I am scared of what or whom I might find…

So I feel scared most of all, scared that my inner voices are right about me, scared that I will not like me, hate the person I find even more than I already do. I am scared and just admitting that makes me feel a cold tingle through my spine. This could be a long weekend…


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