Now that my weekend is nearly over I have some time to recall what I have done this weekend. I have tested my limits, went well beyond them and I invited someone into my home, one of my greatest fears, due to the inner perfectionist in me. I have done it, I had someone over for two whole days. I like his online presence, but getting him inside of my domain… that was big. I think I could consider him now more than just a very cool guy online, I’d even go as far as to say I probably made a new friend.
So what went wrong, according to me? Well firstly, it was a huge bloody mess everywhere, at least to me. Some places are actually a lot cleaner than they have been for a while, but well clearly I see dirt and dust, I see what I did wrong, or just not good enough. I have bashed myself over and over about this, hoping that playing a game would distract my guest from seeing the same things as I do and did. But instead, there was no retaliation, there was no lash-back at the brutal mess I have been living in. Even the dishes and lack of warm water did not really seem to be a problem. Or maybe he was just trying to make me feel more comfortable. I am not certain at this point, but I think somewhere deep down, it really was not an issue.
So does this mean that my fears were ungrounded, well I would not go that far, but I do know that I have been at least able to welcome someone and keep them to some degree entertained with my presence. This is a victory in my book, though my Mr. Perfect wants to have been able to achieve more, learn more, do more. always the doubts always the little nagging voice in the back of my mind, growing now the silence has returned to my home. But what has actually happened? I cleaned, I made an effort, it is a great start to something I have been putting off for far too long. It is something I want to be doing more, I want more people to come over, I love having people nearby. I am a very social person and not just online it seems. I love the interaction, even when I am so blatantly awkward doing so at the moment.
So what have I gained? Well at present, I do not know, but tension went through the roof and was barely present at other times. Now that it all seems to have subsided I feel… odd, weird and somehow this makes me want to consume alcohol, there is a void I cannot fill. I hate this feeling. I feel alone.