I had made a new appointment with my therapist, but lo and behold I managed to somehow mess up my sleeping pattern that this too I slept through. I did, however, call immediately to inform I was not going to be on time and rescheduled, but this seems to be a growing trend in my life. As if everything I do to try and fix my problems I just actively try to avoid, or make the circumstances as such that I cannot attend to them. Why do I sabotage myself in such a fashion? What makes me linger in this limbo between shutting down completely and daring to ask for help?
Maybe it is the same as with many things in my life, I just hover between good and active, as well as bad and secluded. I do wonder though that if this were someone else, how would I respond to that? Probably in a more civil manner, more uplifting. But this is me we are talking about and my inner voices do not allow for me to even make a slight mistake. Even the smallest of grammatical errors on here are tormenting me internally. And I know I make a fair few.
I have many questions and while I can conjure up answers without much trouble, it is those answers my Mr. Perfect throws at me that make me so insecure, that make me doubt myself and my worth. There is this burning desire inside of me to engulf everything into this inferno of self-destruction until there is nothing but a smouldering husk left. It is hurting myself and I know it, yet cannot seem to stop or contain it.
Now I am in the process of testing my limits and most likely will go way beyond. Tension is high, but I am not going to cave and cancel. I have a friend coming over for a few days, which means they will be allowed inside of my safety bubble and… will see a glimpse of me at my possible worst. Am I ready for this? I really do not know, but I am going to try and see. Small steps towards being the person I want to be and hopefully to silence my perfectionism a little over the next few days.