This is take two of this post… the first one was lost and I am actually fighting back the tears that want to surface… I had written down my pains… and they just disappeared without a trace, due to a non saving issue. Should I consider not writing directly into the editor and just on a local file, copying and pasting afterwards? No, that will never work, as I would just delete it… I would just not copy it ever. Saving the drafts here makes it just that bit more permanent. But the thing now is that I have to go through the motions again, writing that which tormented me before, that I had ‘parked’ on here for a while.
I have been, for the last few days been through happy emotions, very dark ones and general anxiety and depression, also been working and been visiting my parents. I have also secluded me more and more, diving deeper into my addiction of gaming, escaping into that online world. Drowning my thoughts with sound and menial tasks. I hate myself so much for losing the earlier draft… it was ready for posting as well. Damn.
Right, breathe, you can do this… You’ve done harder things before. Just focus and write as you wrote before… the words will come. They always do.
As I sit here, writing this again, remembering the last few days. What have I done these last days? Well as stated, I have been playing games, escaped, but that has several reasons. Firstly I have the time to do so as I only worked for a few days. Work was great… I felt good and got complimented indirectly at my willingness to learn and work. I was good, but then there was no more work, it is through a job agency, so I work in the same branch, but for different employer from time to time. Locations tend to stay the same as well, so I know what to expect. But as soon as the work hours fall away from my day… it all seems to crumble back into the doubt and inner voices cursing my very existence.
I listen to those voices more than I should and try to drown them once I get enough of them. Music and games work well and are rather addictive because of it. But there is more to it than that. My therapist sent a letter asking me to make contact within a certain time frame, or they are going to assume that I no longer am in need or want no more therapy. I really need help, but this type of letter makes me always dig myself in deeper, away from what may be ahead. instead of picking up the phone and making a new appointment, I hide away, feeling incredibly useless and wilt away. Hope is quickly losing ground and I feel the abyss’ cold dark grip tightening. I have lost my social worker in a similar way, somehow this type of communication triggers extremely negative emotions within me, triggers me into doing absolutely nothing. Let it come over me, I deserve the backlash.
Then there is the issue of me trying to overcome anxiety of having people over, or meeting them for the first time. I want to be able to just get into my car and drive somewhere, have a good time and go home, reminisce about it with them at a later time and just be happy for meeting them in the first place. That, however, is far from the truth for quite some time now. I fear that the people I meet will do the exact things my inner demons tell me they will. What they will think, how they respond and how I will just lock up and try to act from behind my many many masks. The main problem with that tactic this time around, however, is not going to fly. They read my thoughts, my fears, they know the voices inside of me at least a little and can most likely push through those cardboard photo cut outs with little to no effort. I feel somewhat vulnerable, fearful of what will happen to me if they do push the buttons my thoughts keep reminding me they will slam on hard and mercilessly.
‘You will be hung out to dry, they will mangle you beyond any scope of repair. Cancel, they want not to see you, just the thing you could represent to them. You are not worth their attention and you know it. Give up before you fail again, that way it is going to be the least painful. You sent out the link to people, did it help, did you get what you wanted? HA! You got what you deserve, you second, nay third rate human being, if you can call yourself that.’
Even if this is only a small fraction of the things I say to myself on this subject it does get to the core of what I am dealing with. My perfectionism wants me to be larger than life, better than perfect and that really is weighing more and more on my psyche.
As I stated, I also been visiting my parents, which actually was a really good day indeed. I managed to talk, not get blocked by insecurities and just be a real person, helpful and kind. Glimpses of whom I want to be I have seen, yet still I cannot be proud of what I did, always something to nitpick.
I want to wish everyone a happy Saturday, for however long it lasts still for you. Happy weekend. I hope to drown the doubts with sound some more, try to sleep a bit more, but I fear that is not going to happen any time soon. I will just have to collapse again. This does also mean that the inflammation of my throat is back with a vengeance as I have had this problem for a few days now. Swallowing hurts, but I feel I deserve it, I am good for nothing but pain anyway. The cold dark beckons and I am not inclined to decline the invitation at this point. I hope this weekend will make that change, for the better.
At least I have been able to write this… twice now. Though I feel the first draft was more honest, but that is something only I will ever know.