Being sick I am never at my best, especially now I am not working because of it and I really need the money from the over time. But I simply cannot go and work full nights, coughing up a lung each time I breathe in too sharply. My head is still swirling when I walk for too much, and that is not very far indeed. I am physically not able to get up and drive, let alone be responsible for potential hazardous work. It does gnaw at me though, makes me feel utterly useless and weak. I have nothing positive to add.
So I try to drown my thoughts, read stories, surf the net, listen to music which is mostly dance as it is the least likely to trigger an emotional response. I think if I went with other genres I might listen to… I’d break several times a night and I fear where that might lead me. There is something soothing about the dark of night, the solitude in the black. It mirrors my feelings quite nicely, I am not a sunshine person at this time even though I prefer it to anything else. I clearly deserve it not, however I relish in the prospect of seeing the sun rise again at the horizon. It is always a bittersweet reminder for me that even these dark clouds in my mind and soul will make way for a shy, but beautiful sunrise.
But it only just turned dusk, the sun has a long way to go to come back to me, it will take time, but it will inevitably light my path once again. I just hope I do not lose too much in the space between. I could always try to go to sleep, but then thoughts would take over in the silence of my bedroom, the cold would grip me harshly and I’d struggle for hours. I know this… I’ve tried. The only times I get some sleep these days is when I quite frankly collapse from exhaustion. Maybe that is also the reason of me being so very ill in the first place. I do not take care of myself at all. I am destructive to myself and in turn to those who are near to me and who do care. I have fantastic friends, but they too have their own things to deal with. I love you guys more than you will know (unless you read this of course).
I cannot burden them any more than I have and do already and I am humbled for their continuous support and care. Some of the most influential people in my life have come and gone, left their mark and their leaving made me stab at that mark, cutting deeper and deeper until there was no mark left to see. I cut them out, pushed them away leaving the scars invisible, but the feeling is still there. I hate myself for this, they deserve better, they deserve all the praise I can give them and still that would merely be a fraction of what they should be given in terms of love and respect. I dwindle down that narrow pathway into the abyss I know so very well. Maybe I should just stay here, pretend it is where I belong, give myself another excuse to stop pushing on.
The darkness is setting in around me and I am considering leaving the light off, just being illuminated by the screen in front of me. Would not be the first time, nor the last. I deserve not to be in the light, plus it saves me a little bit on my energy bill. Money… great another worry, another failure. Something I clearly fail at. I best skip some more meals this week and the next, save some money, would make me lose some much needed weight too. I am so useless, ugly and obsolete. I hate the eyes looking back at me in the mirror, the dark dims that sight which is a blessing in my mind. Not being confronted with even more failure in my life and shying away from it seems to have given me some respite, or maybe just the illusion that it has.
It is going to be another long night, a long dark. Turmoil and doubt will surface more than I would like… and I just noticed a spelling mistake… a big one. Damn you you useless stupid… argh!
It will be a long long road to this dawn.