There is a thing I have been considering for a while, well actually since I started this blog. I do not only want to shout it all at the great cloud on the internet where it gets lost and forgotten, only found upon chance. But I also want to include some of my dearest and nearest, however, that brings so much extra tension and anxiety that I tend to freeze up, start to avoid the subject I started myself and all things related to this. Why do I fear the repercussions so much? Is it because I tend to say one thing, do another and think and feel something completely different. Am I ready to let people in that know me? Or do they really?
People may have seen me, talked with me and spend time with me in various activities, but does that mean they actually know you, or merely that they know of your existence and are either happy or unhappy to spend time with you, share theirs. I do strongly think there are a lot of people I could connect with on many different levels, but I just am too afraid of being rejected, being alone, so I put up a wall, place the mask and try to blend in. But I think the time is now to just open that floodgate, let it happen, even if only for a little bit. This does not mean I am going to share it on social media, or put my name to it, but it does mean I am going to invite some of my dearest to read, to see me.
I am shivering, feel hot and cold, this may be partly due to having a rather bad cold, but it most certainly is my fear of the unknown, things I cannot control. Insecurity takes over and I hesitate, I never take the leap of faith. But this time I am going to plunge into that unknown world. It surely cannot be worse than the one I have created for myself so far. The hairs of my neck stand up at every breath, I am sitting here, phone in my hand, ready to hit send on the chat. I am so nervous, scared.
I ponder, stare blankly at the screen and my phone in long intervals. Is this really going to happen? Am I going to find that last bit of strength to actually open up, show what they may already know? Dammit, I am so weak, just hit that stupid button and be done with it. You are such a failure if you even cannot get this done. You want to share this right? So stop being such a wuss, be a man already. Show the world how soppy you are, how much failure you managed to fit into your life. Waste of space, infestation, just hit the bloody button.
And I hit send…
You actually hit that button… What have you done?