There have been a few nights in a row now when I have been working and while there have been times I had to wait, I noticed my mind not really wandering off into the darkness, rather I was thinking about things that seem extremely trivial. Like what I can do when I get up the next afternoon and hoping I am doing a good job. There is a lot of stress around me, but not exactly knowing what people expect from me, and not exactly knowing what to do to keep myself active and moving, which normally would set off tonnes of alarms and will trigger my downward spirals, I remain calm and collected.
I am wondering if this is the mask I hide behind, or is it more that I feel I belong somewhere, that my presence is wanted, required and appreciated. Even if I am not as impactful as I’d like to be, or how they want me to be, but I do feel like I am doing well enough. It never really is perfect or good enough for me, but somehow I have managed to silence that shout to a mere whimper. The quiet is simply amazing, but this could also be because I am just too tired to even notice it is there.
This also meant that I have not really written anything over the last few days and that realisation hits as soon as I am home. When I get up with possibly too little sleep and I start the cycle, albeit for a very short time, anew and doubt, lash at myself and generally start to feel numb again. It takes a few mere moments now to at least break it, to put focus away from dark, and just think of the things I did, whether I did them right or how I could have improved, but probably because I have no set perfection for this job yet, I simply am unable to put myself down for not achieving the perfection I usually strive for.
This feeling of new discoveries, not only in my job, but also in me searching for that bit of perfect to aspire to and what this does to me as a person as a whole. It is invigorating, I may even say it is exciting. I feel bad for not being able to enjoy the simply fantastic weather outside, but then again I would have likely stayed inside, trying to drown out everything with music and games anyway. So while it gives me something to complain about during the night, I know that that is just me trying to relate more to the people I work with.
One thing I have also quite noticed is that I am so much less judgemental about others and their mental capacities now I am working again, though this might change. Short fuses and big ego’s they just pass by me, like being the calm in a storm. People do lash out at each other, tempers rise and flare out of control from time to time, but I am not expected to get involved, I do not need to keep the peace and I am not there to lecture them on their inaccuracy of thoughts and misguided judgements on things they have not a single clue about. I do not need to educate them in the ways they are wrong, they just are able to be just what and who they are.
Then does everything just glide by? No, sadly not, but it again gives me something in common with my colleagues, something to bitch about in between. There is one person that really is getting on my nerves somewhat, I think he may get a spot on my shit list after this turn around (factory stop and cleaning) is completed. Well, what does this person do then? He looks around for anything you may not be doing right and pass it on directly to the boss, stands there, seemingly enjoying the fight and relishing in it, when people are flaring at each other. He does nothing to interfere, just stands there, maybe even hoping someone says the wrong thing only to pass this on again. He also just does his own thing, just walks around, just looking for things that are going wrong. He may do a lot of other things, but this is precisely what I have seen him do. Ha! look at me… I am complaining, I am normal, or just as crazy as the next person.
Today is a good day. It appears I am human after all. This thing called work, really does soothe me, makes me feel more alive, productive. The last few days have been good.