What is it that makes things so hard, where does it come from, why is it tormenting me so? Why is Mr. Perfect so destructive? Why do I expect to be beyond perfect in anything I do? And why is it that when I do not reach said unachievable goals I end up beating myself up about it?
Just as an example, I write, I love it, but anything less than perfect is… worthless. It seems to me that when I express myself on this silent medium I should be evocative, informative, imaginative and inspiring at the same time. That my words touch and educate, awaken lingering good in people and have them aspire greatness in themselves. All things I do not attribute to myself, because my words, to me, have not the same desired effect. I am not the way my Mr. Perfect wants me, nay demands me to be.
My history dictates a string of failures that I can recite without any thought, they replay in my mind, the examples of Mr. Perfect reminding me I am not. Happiness seemingly a fading whimper, drowned in the thundering silence of my loneliness. I am not good enough, thus I should not be, I should not infect or inflict my negative impact on the world. I feel pain, I deserve it, every ounce I can gather is one more I can take away with me and hide it from the world. In my own twisted way I try to improve the world, but this dark vortex also drags others down with me, so I do not want people to get close, as all I can give is pain and disappointment.
These are the things Mr. Perfect tells me every second of my waking life, and during the night, it tells me of my failings of the past, haunting memories and fading hopes, which should fade as I have no need for them, nor am I entitled to them. It stops me from actually doing what I should be doing, makes me passive, unsure.
I hate Mr. Perfect, even though I realise he’s only trying to help me and this hatred only makes him more profound, more aggressive and dominating. Yelling harder and harder the more I try to refuse to listen. Sometimes it spirals out of control, sometimes it ebbs away, but it is a strong voice, a strong trait I feel within. And it is my failure at life for not being able to cope with or control.