Today I woke up late, a dark lingering in my mind, my heart feeling heavy and numb and I have pangs of hunger and dehydration of the alcohol I consumed last night. In the distance I still hear my headset scream out music and I notice myself drifting back into the known void of my abyss. I eye around my room and take in the loneliness. I let my head fall back onto the pillows and I drift off in thoughts, worries and the urge to plunge a knife in my chest. I do not want to get up, but I had better. I have things to do, I need food, new lenses and I have some work related things to take care of, but it feels to me like I will unlikely be able to climb that hill of actually going outside again.

My phone blinks, it is low in battery and I see I have new messages. I skim read them without actually being online so I can get the gist of them and not display my presence. It seems mom is a bit worried about me, and the voicemail of the other day clearly made me hear the worry in my fathers voice as well. I am such a failure. With effort I manage to stumble out of bed, splash some water over my face and look at myself in the mirror, dark cold eyes look back at me. It is going to be one of these days again. And I sigh.



After a short time I could not help myself and I set up a playlist of music, in a vein attempt to drown out the thoughts with sound. Sometimes it helps, just not very well today. I find myself surfing from one random page to another and I force myself to forget to eat, there is little in terms of food anyway and I am in no condition to go outside. A deep dark mood hovers around me, poisoning everything I touch or observe. I am still thirsty though, so I make some coffee, which also stops me from feeling very hungry as I have something to digest. I am back at being a hermit, back at where I did not want to start from. Smiling seems like a distant past, one I can but vaguely recall.

I jolt awake from a slumber I did not know I entered and am confused for a few moments, nightmares… Oh well, at least it is a good preparation for my upcoming night shifts.I needed more sleep anyway. I boot up a game and start trying to numb my thoughts by keeping them preoccupied with other things, giving my brain a simple task, keeping it from overflowing my system with the venomous words and ideas I have so little defence against. Then all of a sudden my heart drops, the doorbell. NO! Not now, not like this, why… no, I am such a waste, I cannot even get myself up from my chair to see who it is. Another ring, No no, please, go away. I am not worthy of your attention, nor your love or care. I stare blankly at the screen and let the game and music pass through me completely, I must have sat there stunned for a good half an hour…

I was right, I was unable to go out today, I was unable to even connect with anyone or anything. I was even not able to eat anything substantial, or get myself to look for anything at all. Around midnight, however, I reply to my brother and my mom, stating I am doing okayish, considering, but I know this to be a cold hard lie. I am not doing well, I am lost, I am numb. I make an excuse for not answering the door, that it was due to me being asleep in preparation for the night shifts. I spent most of the night drowning myself in another game, talked actually to people, but from behind a mask. One slim part of me I want to propagate, probably the only thing I want to share with the world. It is my kind and patient me. Feeling a bit better because of it and very tired I go to sleep. Today was not a good day, but at least it ended on somewhat of a positive note.


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