Every step that I take is another mistake to me
It is hard waking up after another short night. Dark thoughts fill my heart and soul and I have the urge to lunge at them, claw at them, trying to get them out of me. It makes me angry, it makes me sad, it makes me quiet and wanting to stay alone, forgotten and abandoned. This is what I feel I deserve, this is what I feel is right for me as I have failed in every aspect of my life, save the growing older part. The longing for eternal peace claws always at my thoughts, lingering in the back of my mind, waiting for a sign of weakness, ready to take control once again.
But then I have to stop and think who I really am. I am a man halfway through his 30’s, have somewhat steady work now which should pick up soon and I have a loving family in my brother and my parents. My childhood had some darker moments, but we all have those, but aside from that, I have had a happy childhood for the most part.
Somehow somewhere along the line I have begun building walls, burning bridges and all the other cliché statements you can think of. I have started to twist the truth, bend the perception of others away from my growing unease about myself and my self image. There are things that have made it a survival tool for those years and I may not have gotten through if I had not found these skills of deflecting and misleading. In short, I am a very capable liar, so much so that it is hard to determine when I actually speak the truth. Heck you may even think that everything here is a work of fiction, which in a way it is as I have a hard time not shifting the events away from me, or rather sometimes strongly towards me.
In parties and large gatherings I am usually the quiet one, standing around the edges of the circles, listening, nodding, sometimes brave enough to make a few statements, or small bits of input. I do not get into fights, as I actively try to avoid those, not because I do not want to be hurt, rather not wanting to hurt others. I fear nothing, well that is not true, as I am deathly afraid of what I can do to others, I fear myself. Sometimes I fear getting hurt as it would make me a burden to those around me. If I am more comfortable I tend to speak up more and be generally pleasant to be around, or so I have been told. And it is easier to put up a show for people I do not know so very well, nor who know me.
My standards for my own achievements and actions are sky high and I will never be able to reach anything even remotely close to them, so I curse and lash out at myself internally at everything I do. I am depressed, sad, lonely and I feel misunderstood in almost everything. I sadly am smart enough to know all these things, to learn and adapt new and innovative ways of getting better at destroying myself from the inside out. I sometimes feel like a walking time bomb, waiting for it to go off, taking out all that which I hold dear. This means more walls, more hiding, more stage plays and avoiding detection.
I have become numb to some of the pain, I have stopped caring about my aches and made myself believe I am not worthy of any sort of effort from anyone. I never ask for help, not because it is beneath me, which in itself plays some part in it as well, but because I need to be able to walk and stand on my own, carry my own weight and help those around me. I need to carry the pain of everyone around me, so that they may go on unhindered. And what I hate most of all… is that it seems to me that this is just a cry of desperation ‘look at me being a sad sap‘
I kinda hate myself for what I do and do not do, to myself, to others, to everyone. Sometimes it is hard to describe what makes you hold on, what makes you cling. For me it is rather simple, ‘As long as I suffer in silence, I am not a burden to others, I do not cause them pain, I do not cause them grief. If I stay alone it is better, I only bring misery in the end.‘ Now I know I am capable of loving, I am capable of living for someone or something else, just not for myself it seems. And due to this I fear I will stay alone until the end, not realising my greatest dream of being a father, not holding new life in my arms and cherishing it more than the world, waking up next to the love of my life and falling asleep in a loving embrace, with a silent ‘I love you‘ lingering on my lips.
In short I think that sums me up at this point and time, I have not mentioned a fair few details, but I will likely want to remain rather anonymous. This, for me, will be a repository of my days, present and past. My thoughts, dreams and hopes and all the darkness that envelops them.